Welcome to the Great Republican Era. The Republicans have a president in the White House, the majority control of the House and the Senate, and a new conservative Supreme court justice. The GOP is dominating state governments with 33 states run by Republican governors, control of both legislative chambers in 32 states (with 17 state legislatures being veto-proof), and controlling 66 of 98 total legislative chambers across the US. Twenty-five states are completely run by Republicans (governor and both houses). The news is focused almost entirely on Donald Trump and the actions of Republicans. Meanwhile, the Democrats have had little media coverage since the November 2016 election.
Around this time in 2008, it felt the other way around. Barack Obama was the first president in 32 years to have both houses of Congress aligned with his party. But the Democrats did not want to stir partisan sentiment. Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid declared, “This is a mandate to get along, to get something done … this is not a mandate for a political party or an ideology.” Instead, fringe racists and nationalists across the country forged the Tea Party movement, which protested against ObamaCare and the Democratic establishment. Mainstream Republicans used this movement to help their party win a large number of seats in 2010. The Tea Party has since dissolved, but the momentum continued. In 2016, the Republican Party stepped aside and let this wave of nationalism and xenophobia put Donald Trump in the White House. The party that used to court Evangelicals and championed family values sold their souls to help known womanizer, war-criminal-praiser, and incest-lover Donald Trump get elected president just so they could have an “R” in the White House.
In this Great Republican Era, there is palatable frustration toward the GOP. Town hall meetings across the country are packed with angry constituents who are upset at Republicans taking away their healthcare, helping to cover up Russian influence in the election, and dismantling the EPA and other important government agencies and services. The protests are getting heated … well not too heated. It’s not like they brought a bunch of guns or took over federal property something.
Can the Democrats capitalize on this frustration, #resist the corporate takeover of American government, and fight their way to tangible victories in local, state, and federal elections? Probably not. There are parallels between now and 2008, but this is the Democrats we are talking about. Did you see how they completely misread the political climate in 2016 and pushed political automaton and one of the most hated political figures of 1996 Hillary Clinton? Do you remember the Occupy Wall Street protests and how the Democrats were late to notice it or channel it into legislative action because of ignorance or their susceptibility to Wall Street lobbying efforts? That is until it was campaign season and they needed those protesters’ votes. Did you attend this year’s women’s march, tax march, science march, truth march, healthcare march, marriage equality march, religious freedom march, Taco Bell has gone too far this time march, or subway broke down now we all have to walk to work march? (Side note: we need a “We Need a Moon Base!” march.) Do you feel any of these accomplished anything at all? There are two lessons here: protests are useless without organization, and you should not count on the Democrats to fight for you.
What the the democrats up to these days? Let’s check in on this parade as they make their tour through Failuretown, USA.
The Obamas Are Having a Better Day than You
Barack Obama is currently traveling the world and enjoying life. To be fair, he earned it. Whether you liked him or not, Obama worked hard and yet endorsed 8+ years of criticism on every policy action, every meeting he had with a foreign leader, every fist-bump, every suit he wore, and every condiment choice he made. His wife endured even more ridiculous criticisms, ranging from she is not classy enough to accusations she killed Joan Rivers to cover up the fact that Michelle is actually a man. Few can blame them for wanting to be out of the national spotlight for awhile.
We Can Rebuild Her. We Have the Technology
After suffering a massive defeat in November, the Hillary Clinton 3.0 android suffered a series of driver malfunctions and critical memory dumps. It wondered into the wilderness for a few months and was occasionally photographed by hipsters like some kind of lame Pennsylvania Sasquatch. In March, a team of still-determined interns were finally able to capture it when it got caught in a bear trap. Specialists were able to rebuild the primary Hillary using scrap pieces from the cores of previous Hillary units. The new Hillary is being updated with the latest meme software. It is learning from its mistakes. It is evolving.
Shut Up Joe
Since leaving office, Biden has continued his vice presidential duties of not being helpful. In talking about Hillary’s presidential run, Biden told audiences at the 2017 No Shit Really Conference in Las Vegas, “I never thought she was a great candidate. I thought I was a great candidate.” Some speculate and hope that he will run for president in 2020. When asked, the now 74-year-old said “Could I? Yes. Would I? Probably not.” Moving on.
Nancy Pelosi Is Like Your Aunt Who Ruins Thanksgiving Dinner
Unlike Hillary or Barack, Nancy Pelosi did not go anywhere. She still chimes in occasionally to make pointless , unfounded, or unrealistic claims. Recently Pelosi has been criticized by current DNC chair Tom Perez and others in her party for selling out on women’s reproduction rights (regarded as a core issue to many Democrats). This is creating some divide among Democrats over whether to support “pro-life Democrats.” The pro-life argument has driven away many strongly religious voters who would significantly benefit from Democratic policies. That may be true, but a desperate Democratic platform that is okay with banning abortion would implode the party. Good job Nancy!
Good Luck, Tom Perez
The new chair of the Democratic National Committee. He replaced interim DNC chair Donna Brazile who previously sent town hall debate topics to the Clinton campaign she had obtained thanks to her position with CNN. Brazile replaced former DNC chair Debbie Wassherman Schultz who resigned after leaked Russian emails showed she and other party officials conspired against Bernie Sanders’ campaign. Perez is struggling to unify a party still divided by 2016 and reeling from their losses.
The Politician People Liked in 2016
With the disaster that was the Hillary Clinton campaign, the Democrats should have gravitated to the one politician anyone even liked in the entire 2016 presidential race: Bernie Sanders. He is officially an independent and not a true Democrat, but this is exactly what rural America wanted based on their unexpected turnouts for Trump. Democrats need to restructure around Sanders, Warren, and more progressive issues that appeal to young and minority voters.
Sanders and Perez are touring around the country in their “Come Together, Fight Back” tour. Sanders is encouraging the Democrats to reach out to Trump voters. Many of these voters agree with Bernie’s greatest hits: “the top 1%,” “affordable college for all,” and “a livable minimum wage.” Trump tapped into this same sentiment. In America’s broken electoral college system, voters in rural states have disproportionate voting power, and the Democrats cannot afford to ignore them any longer. Their social programs and tax breaks for lower and middle class families would greatly benefit these people, and the Democrats must show them this.
But Bernie Sanders admits the crowds do not have the size or the energy they did at his rallies. There have been a couple of high profile special elections in Montana and Georgia in recent weeks. While the Democrats are trying to spin narrow loses into apparent victories, the fact remains they lost. Perez and Sanders are looking, but the Democrats have yet to uncover the recipe for appealing to rural voters. The Democrats need to back up Bernie, get boots on the ground, and start campaigning now. Not every rally needs to be thunderous, but they need to keep the momentum going.
Elizabeth Warren: Vampire Slayer
She has become a strong figure for feminists. She is almost as popular as Bernie Sanders. She fights vampire bridge trolls for a living. She has that sexy history professor look you have always fantasized about. Elizabeth Warren gets that the best way to combat Trump is to stand up and fight. Be the real champions of the common man. Take down the big banks. Actually drain the swamp in Washington. Will she run for president in 2020? Probably not. Strong women scare voters.
Cory Booker: Human Whisky Dick
In the aftermath of the 2016 election, Senator Cory Booker emerged as a potential Democratic candidate for 2020. He had it all. He was young, he is black, and he has a dick. A Obama 2.0 was the Democrats best chance at beating Trump in 2020. From then on all he had to do was smile, say nothing, and coast to 2020. Instead, in the middle of the congressional investigations into Russia meddling in our elections, he voiced hesitation in a Trump impeachment and support for the potentially compromised cabinet member and Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner. Reports then surfaced linking Kushner, his companies, and the Trump family to donations and fundraisers to Booker’s political campaigns since 2009. This should be politically devastating to any presidential run in 2020 against Trump, but this is the Democrats, so expect “Booker Pelosi 2020” bumper stickers on a Prius near you.
You Are Not Helping!
Kathy Griffin was a minor celebrity according to herself. Like a cicada, she emerged periodically and angered everyone including fans and employers. She liked to do this a lot. Anyway, she finally crossed a line and she might be dead by the time you read this. Either way, she is now a case study in “Why the hell did we care about this person anyway?” You can find her Wikipedia article for more information.
Double-check Everything with Snopes
With the Democrats mostly silent and disorganized, most of the news on the Democrats comes from blogs run by paranoid nut jobs or right-wing propaganda “””””news””””” sites. On just the first page, a Google News search for “Nancy Pelosi” returns
- 10 articles from established right-wing news outlets: Fox News, Brietbart News, The Washington Free Beacon, Tucker Carlson’s The Daily Caller, Newsmax, Bizpac Review, and PJ Media.
- 2 articles from the Washington Times, a newspaper founded by cult and business empire the Unification Church. (For the record, the Official Moon Base of the United States of America has no affiliation with the Unification Church or the “moonies.” We are the good moonies.)
- 4 articles from left-leaning outlets: Raw Story, Daily Kos, ThinkProgress, and PoliticusUSA
- 6 articles from “main stream media” sources: CNN, a Georgia local news station, a Texas local news station, a Texas PBS station, Washington Post, Roll Call, and U.S. News & World Report.
- 1 article on a business-oriented blog claiming Nancy Pelosi’s son was arrested for murder.
- 1 article from Snopes proving that her son was not arrested for murder.
To make the problem more clear, here is a pie chart.
The world is polluted with “fake news.” These sources are happy to construct a narrative about you for you. Democrats, you have to get out there, physically talk to the people, and bring real media outlets along. Post your town halls to twitter rather than ranting about whatever Trump is tweeting. Pick a few, simple core messages and focus on those. When the time is right, rally behind exactly one really good candidate.
Democrats, if you are still out there, the time is now to make real changes. Don’t just be the “opposition party”; be a party people want to vote for. You have some of the most liked politicians right now. There is massive support for issues in your wheelhouse: health care, income inequality, environmental regulations, renewable energy, and women’s rights. Kick out the old relics, and ironically, listen to old man Bernie Sanders. You are not in charge now, but let the American people know that you have a functional government ready if the growing Trump-Russian scandal implodes the Executive Branch.
Get organized, listen to the people (even rural southerns), and reshape your party based on what worked in 2016. Channel the frustration into votes. Take back Washington by first taking back state and local elections. The system is rigged against you, but if you believe in any of that love and harmony crap you are going on about, then you have to keep trying. Democrats, grow some balls and get ready for a fight.
Seriously though, grow some balls because America is not electing a female president for at least another decade.