Last night, the email servers at the Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America were hacked. It appears that our political organization has become the latest victim in a wave of cyber-attacks on politicians and celebrities. We can only conclude that this was the work of elite, state-sponsored, Russians hackers trying to undermine the democratic process and certainly had nothing to do with maybe possibly forgetting to log out of my email after using a computer in the public library.
Several confidential files and emails were compromised. The hackers have threatened to release emails which they believe are incriminating and may damage our reputation. The hackers are demanding $200 in gift cards to Buffalo Wild Wings and a pair of Lonzo Ball’s ZO2 Prime shoes in size 7. We have refused to give in to their demands for terrible, overpriced food and shoes. We will not negotiate with terrorists.
We know this means that the hackers may release portions of the emails. Nothing in these emails is illicit, but without proper context, the sensationalist media may distort these messages for cheap ratings. The Moon Base Party must get ahead of the impending storm. We would like to take a few moments to clarify some emails which may be leaked to the media in the coming days.
- We have always wanted the moon base to be fully inclusive to all Americans. Emails which imply that we are building a moon base only for high ranking party members to safely watch the world burn and then rebuild society from the ashes is merely an inside joke we like to tell ourselves around here. Of course you will all be welcome on the moon base.
- We are not close to filling for bankruptcy. The paperwork being sent back and forth with our lawyers is merely part of a “bankruptcy drill.”
- We can confirm that we did call half of Trump supporters “a basket of deplorables – racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamaphobic – you name it.” It is actually part of our official party platform.
- Several confidential emails were sent from a secure computer to a personal laptop, then sent to an iPhone, forwarded to another personal laptop to be converted into PDF files, transmitted to a twelve-year-old Blackberry, faxed to an LG smart refrigerator, and finally forwarded back to the original computer. All of this fully complies with federal guidelines.
- I did not refer to Jenny as “an annoying bitch” nor did I say that “if she doesn’t change her ringtone to something other than barking dogs I am going to punt her phone across the parking lot.” That was sent by the hackers and not by me.
- Donna Brazile sent us debate questions before the presidential debate, however, as we were not invited to participate in any of the debates in 2016, we do not find this relevant.
- Several of us conspired to get Papa John’s pizza in spite of Jenny’s insistence on Dominos. Of course we did and you would too. We do not care if some of their profits go to help her daughter’s band class. Dominos pizza is trash pizza.
- A number of emails among party officials appear to be critical of top campaign donors. These were meant as light-hearted jibs. We make the same jokes in front of them all the time. They also riff back. We are just close like that. Those donors are totally cool with it.
- Those are real pictures of my penis. It was very cold that day, and I am happy to report that spot really is just a mole.
- I absolutely emailed Debbie Wasserman Schultz and referred to her as a “heartless bridge troll who eats children.” I stand by those comments.
- Several emails including a number of spreadsheets and finance reports imply that we spend the vast majority of campaign donations on Papa John’s pizza and games on Steam. Those numbers are based on money left over after campaigning, political research, and generous staff salaries. Besides we consider stomping whiny losers online as part of our community outreach programs.
- We did call the Democratic National Committee “a bunch of dummies” for being such easy targets for hackers. We realize the irony of this statement.
Thank you for your time. Please do no believe anything else you read in the media about our emails.
President, CEO, and Founder
The Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America