[After our last sponsorship did not go so smoothly, we were worried about taking on new sponsors. But, the moon base won’t build itself! So, we are happy to welcome our next sponsor: Darrel’s Leech Emporium. Below is the advertisement sent to us by Darrel himself.]
Hello there neighbor! My name is Darrel. Folks around here call me Darrel the Leech King. As you might reckon, I sell leeches.
What type of leech do you need? Brown one, red one, green one? Big, little, and everything between, we got here at the Darrel’s Leech Emporium on Canterbury Road. We are located on Canterbury Road in the old auto parts warehouse across from that big white church you can see from the Interstate. We have the biggest selection of leeches anywhere north of Costa Rica.
Why sell leeches? Well, it started after my used Chevy dealership went under, I got drunk, and I wondered into the woods behind the abandoned auto parts warehouse (the current location of Darrel’s Leech Emporium on Canterbury Road). The next morning I woke up face down in the muck covered in these sons-a-bitches! Right then I remembered watching one of those stories on the Fox News about all the health benefits of leeches. Being the entrepreneur that I am, I realized I could make money off of this and help the community. So here I am, ready to sell you God’s little wonder worm!
Folks, leeches are making a comeback! Modern medicine is seeing a revolution of leeches! No less than three doctors I met on the Internet told me they use them all the time to help repair damaged skin. And folks, leeches aren’t just for medical type purposes anymore! I have companies knocking down my door trying to get my leeches. I had to replace three doors since last November! The cops keep telling me my doors are getting kicked down by heroin addicts trying to steal old copper pipes, and while we do not currently have running hot water, I am pretty sure the damage is due to our corporate clients trying to get my deals afterhours.
Now I know what you are thinkin’. The world of leeches can be a confusing place. You can stop scratchin’ your head because Darrel and the staff at Darrel’s Leech Emporium on Canterbury Road can help you find the leech to meet your needs.
This is your base model leech. It might seem like it is just sucking blood like any other leech, but Darrel’s leeches are top of the line. Only the best of the best leeches make it into our inventory. Do you have any diseases? The brown leech is great for sucking out many of the diseases you might have, including ulcerative colitis, celiac disease, asthma, morning sickness, dermatitis, and gingivitis. What a deal!
Price: $0.99 per leech or $99.99 for a bucket*.
The red leech is also known as the “Pretty Maker” on account of how much it gets used in plastic surgery. I’m not sure how it works. I think it actually lays the plastic under the ugly girl’s skin and the next morning she wakes up pretty. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner you know! What girl wouldn’t want to wake up pretty? And just think, you can help make your little lady sexy and pretty again with just a handful of homegrown, American leeches.
Price: $5.99 per leech (minimum 5 leeches per customer)
FOR INDUSTRIAL PURPOSES ONLY! These suckers are not for home use or for medical purposes. I am not sure what industry people do with the green leeches. I think it has something to do with cleaning carburetors. I do know that these are the top of the line leeches. You won’t find leeches like these at our competitors.
Price: $29.99 for a six-pack of leeches
Price for Darrel’s Value Customers: $27.96 for a six-pack of leeches
The silver leech is the Cadillac of the leech world. You name it, this bad boy can suck it out of you! Cramps, bloating, chicken pox, water weight, double sclerosis, triple sclerosis, homosexuality, eczema, hay fever, mitosis, syllabus, heart worm, and much, much more! Warning: these leeches are not for beginners. Serious injuries can result from improper handling of leechs.
Price: $39.99 per leech
Pair of silver leech handling gloves: $29.99
This is a very rare and collectable leech. I only have one in stock. As far as I can tell, it doesn’t do much. In fact, it might be dead.
Price: $400 per leech (no refunds)
You have to be asking yourself, “Has Darrel gone nuts? He is practically giving away leeches!” I am able to offer leeches at these unbelievably low prices on account I have no other employees and that means I can pass the savings directly to you!
What’s that sound? The sound of copper pipes banging against an old washboard can only mean one thing: it’s time for savings! Folks if you rush down here in the next 45 minutes, I’ll give you a free cassette tape I recorded off the radio of George Jones singing his greatest hits.
I am proud to be from America, the greatest country on Earth. Here a man can dream about helping people and selling leeches and he can do both under one of them limited liability licenses. I am honored that there are people out there fighting for our freedoms. That’s why I am offering a 10% discount to all active duty troops. Just show your military ID before paying.
So what are you waiting for? Here is your invitation to the world’s best leeches! Come on down to Darrel’s Leech Emporium on Canterbury Road today. You’ll get sucked in by our deals!™
*All prices exclude taxes and dealer fees. Prices subject to vary considerably by availability and Darrel’s mood. Sorry, no checks or credit cards. Cash only.