[The Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America recently received the following in the mail from Margret and Kim. We are not sure if it was actually meant for us or if it is some untended consequence of the phone scam we were pulling on the DIY Network. Either way, these ladies seemed like they had some good advice, so we decided to pass that advice along to you, our loyal moon base enthusiasts and possible avid gardeners.]
Why, hello there! This is Margret and Kim from Jacksonburg, Indiana. Spring is here and it is time to start gardening again. The dynamic duo is here to help you get your garden growing right! Gardening might look easy, but trust these two DIY divas, it is way harder than Pinterest makes it look.
What Plants to Plant
It all starts with picking the right plant. Most people think they can just put any old cabbage from the grocery store in some dirt and it will grow into a cabbage tree (Kim was guilty of that one!). But making a fantastic garden takes careful planning. A plant plan! You have to get the right plants for you and your garden.
Here are some suggestions for how to find the right plants.
- Think about your local climate. If you are in a hot environment, get plants that need less water.
- Pick some wildflowers from the side of the freeway. They are pretty, and you already know they can grow in your climate.
- Fruits and vegetables are a popular choice for many home gardens. It is really rewarding when you finally get to savor that one non-spotty tomato from your very own garden that took two months to grow instead of spending $0.90 on a tomato from the grocery store.
- Medical and recreational marijuana is legal in many states these days. Your garden could help pay for itself! Check with your local law enforcement before growing the wacky tobacky.
- If you are new to planting a garden, buy a cactus. They are self-sufficient and require little water or attention from you. If it dies, consider it a sign about why your second husband left you.
Plant the Plant in a Pretty Planter with Plenty of Play
Many gardens are simply in the ground. But why go through all the back-breaking labor of tilling the soil to grow a few cucumbers. Using planters is a simple solution that can also liven up the exterior of your home. Most people get some old bucket from the garden basket store and call it a day. But your planter can be another wonderful expression of your personality. Really get curative. Here are some suggestions.
- Make sure you buy a big enough planter for your plants. They start out as seeds, but they can really grow! Be sure your planter is at least twice as big as the seeds your planted. Maybe even bigger.
- Who says planters have to be boring? Spice up those ceramic pots by painting them fun, unusual colors. Margret likes pastel colors, while Kim adores all things pink.
- While you have the spray paint out, you can also coat your plants too. An amazing and colorful garden only takes seconds! Just remember to wash off the paint from your vegetables before you eat them.
- Don’t have a lot of space? Here is a tip: try vertical gardens! They are trendy and save space. Vertical planters can be expensive, but you can make an elegant planter by yourself. Take one of the old mattress you have lying around, carve away everything but the springs, and shove your plants between the springs. Pretty it up with some burlap and then bolt your masterpiece to the side of your house. Your garden will be the envy of the neighborhood.
- Why stop at mattresses? You can up-cycle anything into a decorate flower planter. Put plants on the steps of ladders. Turn that old Buick into an artificial reef for suburbia. With a little imagination, anything is a planter.
Don’t Forget the Water!
Plants need plenty of sunshine and water. But how much water does your plant need Plants are smart! Unlike our husbands at the bar, plants know when they have had enough to drink. So let the water flow!
Manage the Wildlife
You are not the only one who wants to enjoy your garden. Critters big and small are constantly invading your garden. Here are some tips to help you tame those wild beasts!
- Bugs are a constant pest in any garden. Avoid all of those dangerous pesticides. Instead, use all-organic, environmentally friendly pest control sprays. They are mostly just water and food coloring, but at least you know nothing in your garden will be harmed.
- You should not kill all of the bugs. You need some of them to help the plants have plant sex. Here is a tip: place lit cigarettes filter down about half an inch into the ground. The nicotine will help attract butterflies to pollenate your garden.
- If your garden is being devoured by giant locusts, check your local weather station to see if is the Armageddon.
- It is not just bugs you have to worry about eating your garden. Deer, rabbits, birds, and other large animals can be a problem too. There are many commercially available products to repel these unwanted guests, but they often have dangerous toxins. Again, we prefer a 100% organic mixture of cayenne pepper and our own urine poured over a rotting deer carcass. It is a clear sign to all animals that you mean business.
- Moles can be a nightmare! A mole make a mess, destroy your plants, and can be extremely difficult to get out of the ground. Use the same approach you would with an old tree stomp: either learn to live with it or get some dynamite.
- Alligators are not a problem in typical gardens. However, should you find one munching on your radishes, punch him the snout. They hate that. Also, don’t let them drag you to the bottom of the river and get you in a death roll or else you are a goner.
Using these tips, you will be ready to kick start the garden of your dreams! If you want more gardening tips or other DIY project ideas from Margret and Kim, check us out on the local access station at 2:15 AM Thursday mornings.
That is all we have time for today. As Porky Pig used to say, that’s all folks!