There have been many proposals for a US-Mexican border wall, and let’s be honest, they are all terrible. Some designs call for installing high-speed passenger monorails, building the wall from garbage, installing fiber-optic sensors to detect climbing or tunneling, or filling the wall with nuclear waste. Many proposals want to line the top of the wall with solar panels, which would make fantastic targets for angry Mexican protesters. Some designers even say it is only economically feasible to build a border “fence” instead of a border “wall.” Bunch of pussies.
Our team of engineers here at the Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America would like to submit the following proposal for a USA-Mexico border wall. We call our wall Freedom Wall. Freedom Wall will embody American idealism. It will be big, expensive, and have long term negative impacts on the environment.
We propose constructing Freedom Wall in eight phases.
Phase 1: Planning
That is what we are doing now.
Phase 2: Communicating that Plan
We are making progress already!
Phase 3: Hiring Professionals
If you want the job done right, you hire the right people. We are talking the best architects, engineers, carpenters, landscapers, painters, accountants, marketers, human resources personal to hire everyone else, etc. All of those professionals are going to require good salaries, job training, health benefits, retirement options, vacation time, and sick leave. That is going to cost a lot of money that we no longer can afford thanks to the latest US military efforts in Syria and off the coast of North Korea. We suggest hiring a bunch of illegal immigrants to build the wall. They are cheap, they seem pretty good at building things, and we can trick them into “accidentally” being on the Mexican side of the wall when we finish.
Phase 4: Buying Building Materials
A wall worthy of the “Trump” brand needs to be made from the highest quality materials. We are talking carbon fiber composites, titanium, super titanium, carbon nanotubes, carbon nano-fiber titanium-tubes, kevlar, high performance thermoplastics, and those really nice glass tiles your aunt used for her backsplash while remodeling her kitchen. This wall is going to put the Great Wall of China to shame (along with all of China for that matter!). The materials are expensive, so definitely hire illegals.
Phase 5: Building Sections of Freedom Wall in High Earth Orbit
We are building the greatest damn wall anyone has dared to build! The United States needs the entire world to witness its birth. There is one way to do that: build it in space. Mexico, Russia, China, North Korea, Portugal, and any other nation that thinks about messing with America can look up and see us building the Freedom Wall hundreds of miles above the Earth because people who don’t speak English took our jobs picking fruit and testing dynamite.
There are practical benefits to building in space. The weightlessness will make building the wall easier. A gentle push is all it takes to move large sections of wall. This means we can hire fewer workers. What a great deal!
Phase 6: Moving the Sections to the Moon
Once the first few sections come together, it is best to move them to the surface of the moon. Sturdy footing of the moon is required for workers to assemble many of the sections. The reduced lunar gravity will still enable workers to lift large sections of the wall.
Phase 7: Assembling the Sections
It is good practice to build a test assembly from the building materials before starting construction of the main building. This lets us see if materials properly fit together. Workers will put the completed wall modules together into a compacted “base” structure capable of supporting long-term science missions.
Phase 8: Leaving It on the Moon
Getting all of that material back to the Earth will be expensive. America will have already sent a message to the rest of the world with Freedom Wall. We can leave it on the moon.
To show how serious we are, we also prepared a quad chart.
We here at the Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America are excited to be part of this grand endeavor to protect our borders and secure our freedoms. We eagerly await the acceptance notice for Freedom Wall by whichever US bureau is in charge of this type of thing.