Hello. My name is Dr. Bryan Fantana. You can call me Bryan. It is with great sadness that I must inform you of a recall of the iRenew bracelet. You should not feel alarmed. Our products are 100% certified safe when used as directed. However we are still being court ordered to issue a recall of the iRenew bracelet.
Some of our users have been experiencing adverse side effects from iRenew’s biofield feedback energy resonation. Some customers have reported calluses around their wrists, dizziness, nausea, indigestion, constipation, and trouble urinating. A few wearers have reported loss of hearing, temporary blindness, excess weight gain, urinary tract infections, decreased sexual performance, type three diabetes, permanent blindness, and necrophilia. Less than 1% of users turned into pumpkins.
Earlier this week, Dr. Kysnekovskilata sent an e-mail to the Yahoo e-mail account of iRenew USA, the distribution center for the iRenew bracelet here in the United States. He and his Romanian colleagues have recently discovered an undesired property of the iRenew bracelet. It appears the patented iMeteorite is the carrier of a mysterious, black, gooey substance of alien origin that adheres to the wearer of the bracelet. Laboratory tests on mice have shown a ten fold increase in violent behavior and a 75% increase in salivation. The altered creatures can replicate asexually and, as was the case with Dr. Kysnekovskilata’s laboratory, they can organize into an unstoppable army of ferocious alien-mouse hybrids which now ravages the Romanian countryside.
There is no reason to panic. Swedish scientists have shown intense sound and heat can weaken the creatures. Some of iRenew’s best and brightest have developed specialized loud speaker systems and flamethrowers for deployment in case of an uprising here in the US. The menace will be contained before it ever becomes a danger to the public.
Several news outlets are linking the iRenew bracelets’ natural frequency energy balancing to signals which are emanating into deep space and which have summoned the great beast Gantron. Astrologers have feared his arrival as it means an almost certain demise of all life on Earth. We here at iRenew can assure you that the timing of the worldwide signal to Gantron and the global debut of the fashionable iRenew bracelet is merely coincidental.
If you feel concerned despite our 100% satisfaction guarantee, you may return your iRenew. If your symbiote will allow it, place any unwanted iRenew bracelets into a titanium canister. At this time, the US Postal Service will not accept packages containing alien parasites. You will have to contact iRenew USA to arrange a pickup. Pickups are from Monday through Wednesday, 9 AM to 12 PM. Service is not guaranteed outside of Vermont. All pickups are subject to a $50 fee and compensation for miles driven.