[Recently, the Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America received corporate sponsorship! We are super excited. We are now $15 and two drink koozies closer to a moon base! As a thank you to them, we will take a few minutes now to inform our readers about our new sponsor and their wonderful product line.]
Hello. My name is Dr. Bryan Fantana. You can call me Fantana. I am here to tell you about a wonderful gift your whole family will love. It’s called the iRenew.
The iRenew is a state-of-the-art, energy balancing bracelet. The IRenew was designed by a team of former Russian magnet scientists to balance your body’s natural biofield using synchronized electromagnetic pulses. Hundreds of people, maybe even a thousand people, have tried this wonderful product with fantastic results!
“This bracelet gives me so much energy. I feel like I could bench press my station wagon.” – Mark, 26
“The Irenew has helped me get to sleep fast and stay asleep longer.” – Mary, 38
“This is crazy! I can’t believe it worked!” – Michelle, 19
“It improved my golf game.” – Terry, 43
“The iRenew increased my sex drive and saved my marriage.” – Louis, 55
The power of the IRENEW can be yours too. For this limited time only, this one of a kind modern marvel is available for the special price of $19.99! And if you use your credit card when you call, we will throw in an extra Irenew for free! A second iRenew, a $20 value, yours free! Do not hesitate. Supplies are limited. Call now!
Hello. My name is Dr. Bryan Fantana, but you can call me Bryan. The folks over at iRenew want me to talk to you about the science behind their wonderful product. The secret is inside the fashionable wrist band. The comfortable elastic band is lined with over a hundred tiny neodymium magnets.
The magnets properly align your body’s intrinsic bioenergy field. Then the special iMeteorite goes to work. It sends out safe but powerful electromagnetic pulses at the natural frequencies your body positively responds to. It creates a positive feedback loop that keeps you alert and focused or makes you feel calm and relax. It does pretty much anything you need it to do. How does it do it? Hell if I know.
Oh wait. I do know! I am an engineer. That is why IRenew hired me.
Hello. My name is Bryan Fantana, Ph.D. My friends just call me Bryan. I am a magnet engineer. I know a little something about magnets and natural frequencies. Let me take a few minutes to explain how the iRenew works. It is quite simple really. The high grade neodymium magnets inside the wristband cause the little magnetic particles in your body to reorient themselves. This in turn activates the iMeteorite. This small fragment of a meteorite which landed in Siberia nearly a century ago contains within it the secret of the cosmos! Natural frequency energy flow balancing! This small space rock emits powerful but extremely safe electromagnetic oscillations which cause your body to act like a positive feedback system on itself.
Doesn’t this sound exciting! I know you cannot wait to order an iRenew for you and everyone on your holiday shopping list. These powerful re-ionizing bracelets can be yours for only $29.99 each. But if you call within the next ten minutes and give us your bank account number, we will throw in the Irenew travel bag for free! A $19 value … yours free!
“This product really changed my life. I was a college dropout before I started wearing the Irenew. Now the magnetic biofields have enrolled me into a communications program at Roger Valley Community College.”– Tony, 22
“I look better naked! Thanks iRenew!” – Sandra, 33
“I had leukemia. The doctor told me I had only a few weeks to live. That was until Mommy bought me the Irenew. Now my doctor says I should make it to February. Thank you Irenew!” – Emily, 8
I know what you are thinking? “Who is this guy and what does he know about the iRenew?”
Hello. My name is Dr. Bryan Fantana, Ph.D. M.D. That’s a mouthful, so you can just call me Bryan. I have spent years in the industry working with magnets and magnet-related things, like refrigerator magnets and paper clip holders. I know a lot about the amazing power of magnets. The energy balancing magnets in the iRenew help your body resonate at its natural frequencies. But the true secret of the IRenew is the patented iMeteor. This rock comes from the deepest regions of space and it brings with it a cosmic energy which has been studied by Ukrainian scientists for over a decade. Lab tests revealed the iMeteor’s intrinsic cosmic rays can increase a subject’s natural frequencies beyond the point of resonance. It’s like a positive feedback loop of awesome cosmic energy balance!
How much would you pay for such a technological breakthrough? Similar products on the market sell for $1,000 or more. During this limited time offer, you can buy the Irenew for six easy payments of $19.95! But wait! If you give us the password to your e-mail account, we will make one payment for you. That means you can get the IRenew for only FIVE payments of $19.95 plus shipping and handling.
Nothing in the world is quite like the IRENEW. That is because it is NOT from this world! The secret is the patented neodymium iMeteoroid technology. This impressive piece of cutting-edge technology fell over Romania in the late seventies and was examined by Romanian and Serbian magnet researchers. After decades of study they discovered the iMeteoroid’s effect on patients’ biomagnetic midi-chlorians. The result? Subjects felt refreshed and alert, not jittery like with other energy flow balancers. The researchers sold the secrets of the iMeteor’s natural frequencies to the Russians for a stockpile of AK-47s. The Russians in turn developed the IMeteor into a fashionable bracelet to protect young Russian girls from bears. That bracelet became the IRenew and its force field emission powers have become a sensation in Russia and Europe. Now this exciting innovation is available in the U.S.!
Hello. My name is Bryan Fantana. I have a doctorate in magnetic resonance technology. I am thrilled to tell you how you too can get this exciting new innovation.
“It’s the perfect stocking stuffer.” – Marguerite, 78
“I have tried every birth control product on the market, but nothing compares to the iRenew.” – Erica, 16
“I bought the iRenew for my husband after he said he didn’t love me anymore. Now he smiles at me when he picks up the kids every other Saturday.” – Juliana, 38
The IRenew can be yours for the incredibly low price of $149.99 plus shipping and processing. And if you call within the next thirty minutes, we will throw in the iRenew headband for free. The Irenew headband uses the same technology found in the irenew, but it puts it on your head! Now you can use the iREnew’s incredible neodymium biofrequency powers to cancel out unwanted noise, read the minds of your coworkers, and lift small objects with your thoughts. This $80 value is yours for free, just pay for separate processing and handling and leave us your possessions in your will.
So what are you waiting for? Don’t miss out on the energy balancing experience of a lifetime. Supplies are limited. Limit ten iRenews per household. Call now!