The movement is growing. Already, dozens of spam bots are trafficking this site. The Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America is becoming a serious force in the political landscape. However, our research team has determined that many Americans still do not know about the Moon Base Party or our positions on contemporary issues. We would like to take a few minutes now to quickly offer solutions for the complex issues America faces today.
Terrorism and National Security
Terrorists around the world pose a serious threat to America, our interests, and our way of life. Many politicians have talked tough about fighting extremists abroad and at home, but none have gone far enough. The solution is simple: laser cannons on the moon. A great military general once said the fight is over when you have the high ground. What could be higher ground than the moon? Tidal locking between the Earth and moon forces one side of the moon to always face the earth. This means we can always point our artillery of laser cannons at hostile enemies. The bad guys will think twice about messing with America when faced with the threat of incinerating, focused radiation raining down upon them.
The math is simple. We need more money. The best way to generate cash quickly will be a moon base. Think about it, folks. Lunar mining would yield economically viable products such as helium-3, uranium, thorium, titanium, some other rare earth metals, and, of course, vast deposits of diamonds. Fresh water from the moon could easily be sold for hundreds of dollars per bottle.
A lunar real estate boom is on the horizon. Many insane multi-billionaires are eager to distance themselves from the common millionaires and single-billionaires by placing their next mega-mansions on the moon.
Let’s not forget the other driving factor for the moon base: the lunar theme park. The reduced gravity and lack of atmosphere on the moon create perfect conditions for amazing theme park rides. Picture it now. Mile-long water slides. Retro-fitted lunar rover go-karts. A Ferris wheel the size of Boston. It will be wicked cool and make us a frickin’ ton of money.
We will need all hands on deck to build the moon base. We have estimated that building the moon base will directly produce 610.5 million jobs. Initial construction stages of the moon base will employ builders, architects, and engineers. Lunar mining will create millions of blue spacesuit-collar jobs. The fully staffed moon base will require maintenance personnel, laser cannon technicians, and carnival ride operators.
Immigrants and Refugees
The Moon Base Party strongly disagrees with this administration’s attempts at a “Muslim Ban.” We are all on this little blue life raft called Earth. And we will need everyone working together to get out of the raft and onto a moon base.
Everyone will be welcome on the moon base. Well, not everyone, of course. You will be welcome, and so will all of our friends. We do not want any of those undesirables … you know .. those people you don’t like. That would just ruin the place in the way that they always do.
The moon base is also a great resource of clean, renewable energy. Solar panels and solar thermal generators on the moon could generate hundreds of jigawatts of power. Without an atmosphere to absorb the incoming sunlight, solar cells on the moon would be more efficient than ones on the Earth. We will wire together as many scientific calculators as we can find and beam the generated energy back to Earth using the laser cannons.
The government should work for its citizens, not the other way around. That is why we will abolish the IRS and eliminate all income taxes!
To account for this drop in federal funding, we are proposing a yearly “America Fee” for being a US citizen. This fee will be adjusted based on one’s income. We will also establish a government service to manage this new flow of internally-generated revenue.
People, we need to build a moon base so we can develop new medicines. Recently scientists announced plans to brew beer on the moon. Their findings on bacteria growth in low gravity may lead to new pharmaceuticals and new kinds of super weed.
Legalized marijuana in Colorado has boomed into a multi-billion dollar industry, turning your old high school stoner friend into a business tycoon. Now imagine what legalized marijuana on the moon could do! We could charge a fortune for people to get high on the moon.
As the largest, consistent voting block in the country, we are deeply concerned about the care and well-being of our senior citizens. This is why we will offer a 10% senior citizen discount for those over 65 booking trips to the moon to get stoned.
The Moon Base Party has proposed MoonCare™ as a comprehensive health care plan for surviving the next four years and beyond. Unlike the troublesome initial launch of ObamaCare, MoonCare™ will have a seamless and pain-free rollout spread across 16 phases over a 92 month period. Unlike the GOPs absent alternatives to ObamaCare, we actually have real ideas for MoonCare™. You can find details about this plan on the Moon Base Party website. If you cannot find them, keep looking. They are here somewhere.
We have said it before, and we will say it again. Babies are the foundation of our society. We must make sure the needs of our tiny, voiceless citizens is being heard loud and clear! We strongly advocate that our babies deserve the freshest diapers, the softest binkies, and the good passies! You know, the one that is really gross because it fell behind the couch.
See earlier discussion on laser cannons on the moon.
We can use the laser cannons to warm up the Earth a little more if you want. We just want to make sure everyone is nice and cozy.
As outlined previously, we are prepared to install large wireless routers on the moon to provide high-ish speed internet access for all Americans. This service will not be filtered or restricted. We will not show special preference to any sites. However, all browsers will route to this site every 10 minutes.
Traffic laws are just another, unnecessary government regulation. Your taxes pay for the roads, so you should be able to drive on them any way you want! That is why the Moon Base Party advocates to abolish all traffic laws and declare total anarchy on all roadways. Anything goes when you are on asphalt, whether you are driving, walking, biking, skateboard, or rollerblading.
We know there will be some pansies who will whine about dramatic increases in commute times and constant auto accidents. But we cannot take away the rights of responsible car owners because of a handful of bad apples. We must take back our freedom!
The right to wheelbarrows full of guns is an important, unalienable right for all Americans. We need those guns for one simple reason: giant bees from outer space. Do you really think gun-free zones are going to stop 200 pound wasps from the Kuiper belt? They can travel 4 billion miles through the vacuum of space! We are going to need all of the armor-piercing hollow-points we can muster to slow them down enough for some nerd to infect them with a space bee super-virus or upload a computer virus to their space ships.
Guns inside the moon base itself? No way! You can’t bring a gun to the moon base. Have you seen the movies? You pop one hole in that thing and we all get sucked out into space.
Building a Moon Base
We are for it.