GOP Health Care Plan: Let’s Just Eat the Poor

confidential-informant[The Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America was recently contacted again by our secret White House informant.  Our informant, “Dr. C.,” has forward the following email chain to us.  We are not sure he really meant to send us this email chain.  We are not really sure he knows how to use his new government email account yet.  Either way, below is the unedited exchange between our nation’s top GOP leaders.]

 


From: Mike Pence
Sent: Thursday March 2, 2017 07:02 AM
To: Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell
Subject: Replacement for Obamacare?

Good morning,

Where do we stand with the Obamacare replacement?  The President is already shouting at his staff this morning.   He wants a new Obamacare replacement ASAP.

Regards,
Mike Pence
Vice President of the United States

“If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them.” – Leviticus 20:13
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From: Mitch McConnell
Sent: Thursday March 2, 2017 08:42 AM
To: Mike Pence
CC: Paul Ryan, Cory Gardner, Ted Cruz
Subject: Re: Replacement for Obamacare?

Pence,

We have been struggling since 2010 to come up with a suitable alternative for Obamacare.  People seem to hate Obamacare, but they are going to hate anything else we propose.

We have been stalling for nearly eight years now for Obama to leave, and now that he is gone, I propose that we accelerate our plans to make up for lost time.  I have been talking with my senate colleagues this morning, and we believe it may be time to just jump straight to the final step: kill and eat the poor.  They have been a burden on the upper class for too long.  We cannot afford to carry them any longer.  We must discard the poor now and rebuild a proper society in God’s image before it is too late.

Sincerely,
Mitch McConnell
Senator, Kentucky

 


From: Paul Ryan
Sent: Thursday March 2, 2017 08:46 AM
To: Mitch McConnell, Mike Pence
CC: Cory Gardner, Ted Cruz
Subject: Re: Replacement for Obamacare?

We cannot eat the poor.  Have you seen those lazy people?  They eat Taco Bell for five meals a day!  There is nothing but fat there.  Not a lean source of protein at all.

Sent from my iPad

 


From: Ted Cruz
Sent: Thursday March 2, 2017 9:19 AM
To: Paul Ryan
CC: Mike Pence, Mitch McConnell, Cory Gardner
Subject: Re: Replacement for Obamacare?

Our original plans all involved ‘slow roasting’ the poor by taking away insurance mandates so young health people can keep costs low, not providing adequate subsides to cover health care costs, letting insurance providers jack up rates, and forcing the poor to drop their own insurance.  This is what the dark council agreed to at CPAC.  We must honor our oaths!

-Ted

 


From: Mitch McConnell
Sent: Thursday March 2, 2017 9:42 AM
To: Ted Cruz
CC: Paul Ryan, Cory Gardner, Mike Pence
Subject: Re: Replacement for Obamacare?

Ted,

Boy, you do not have to remind me about the blood oaths!  I know the words spoken that night, but time is not on our side.  We cannot hesitate much longer.  Trump is ushering in the black epoch sooner than we previously anticipated.

INS is already sending illegal immigrants to the blood farms.  We already have the systems in place to send the poor there too.  We should prepare the National Guard to round up the poor in mass in the coming days.  Then we will propose “tax cuts” that drive the middle-class into poverty so we can harvest them up too.  Once we have a breading population, the great feast can begin.

Sincerely,
Mitch McConnell
Senator, Kentucky

 


From: Mike Pence
Sent: Thursday March 2, 2017 09:49 AM
To: Mitch McConnell
CC: Paul Ryan, Ted Cruz, Cory Gardner
Subject: Re: Replacement for Obamacare?

Gentlemen,

I love the idea, but killing and eating the poor is a little too similar to the plot of Soylent Green.  I am worried about potential copyright infringement.  Can we push them off a cliff instead?

Regards,
Mike Pence
Vice President of the United States

“If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them.” – Leviticus 20:13
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From: Ted Cruz
Sent: Thursday March 2, 2017 09:59 AM
To: Mike Pence
CC: Mitch McConnell, Paul Ryan, Cory Gardner
Subject: Re: Replacement for Obamacare?

Absolutely not!  We must devour the flesh of the poor to consume their life force.

I will convene with the Dark Elders so that they may speak on this matter.

-Ted

 


From: Paul Ryan
Sent: Thursday March 2, 2017 10:02 AM
To: Ted Cruz
CC: Cory Gardner, Mitch McConnell, Mike Pence
Subject: Re: Replacement for Obamacare?

You little weirdo.  Don’t get the Dark Elders involved.  We don’t need their approval on everything.

Sent from my iPad

 


From: Mitch McConnell
Sent: Thursday March 2, 2017 10:05 AM
To: Mike Pence
CC: Paul Ryan, Cory Gardner, Ted Cruz
Subject: Re: Replacement for Obamacare?

Mike,

Don’t worry about the copyright issue.  Our lawyers plan to argue that the health care plan is more like A Modest Proposal, which is in the public domain.

Sincerely,
Mitch McConnell
Senator, Kentucky

 


From: Ted Cruz
Sent: Thursday March 2, 2017 10:14 AM
To: Mike Pence
To: Paul Ryan, Cory Gardner, Mitch McConnell
Subject: Re: Replacement for Obamacare?

I sacrificed an intern on the alter in my office and communed with the Dark Elders.  They insist that we must stay the course.  We shall slowly force the poor and middle-class to become homeless where they can be more easily rounded up without causing suspicion or panic.  It is all part of the divine plan.  Patience my brethren.

-Ted

 


From: Mitch McConnell
Sent: Thursday March 2, 2017 10:25 AM
To: Ted Cruz
CC: Mike Pence, Paul Ryan, Cory Gardner
Subject: Re: Replacement for Obamacare?

We do not have time anymore!  The everlasting shadow is almost upon us.  We must hasten our plans.  We must farm the poor and harvest their power now!

Sincerely,
Mitch McConnell
Senator, Kentucky

 


From: Cory Gardner
Sent: Thursday March 2, 2017 10:09 AM
To: Ted Cruz
CC: Mike Pence, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell
Subject: Re: Replacement for Obamacare?

I cannot believe what I am reading.  You cannot be serious.  This is absolute madness!  We all took an oath to the Dark Elders to honor our CPAC agreements.  We must not rush the plan.

Sincerely,
Cory Gardner

~> Please consider the environment before printing this email. <~

 


From: Mitch McConnell
Sent: Thursday March 2, 2017 10:25 AM
To: Cory Gardner
CC: Mike Pence, Paul Ryan, Ted Cruz
Subject: Re: Replacement for Obamacare?

Fine!  I will honor the oaths.

Paul, can you write up a new health care bill?  Call it the American Health Care Act or something stupid like that.  I guess leave out the horsemen rounding up the poor into trucks and driving them into the desert.  We will save that for a bill in the next Congress.

Sincerely,
Mitch McConnell
Senator, Kentucky

 


From: Ted Cruz
Sent: Thursday March 2, 2017 10:34 AM
To: Mitch McConnell
CC: Paul Ryan, Cory Gardner, Mike Pence
Subject: Re: Replacement for Obamacare?

No need!  I have already prepared a new health care plan based on our unholy communion at CPAC.

-Ted

 


From: Ted Cruz
Sent: Thursday March 2, 2017 10:43 AM
To: Mitch McConnell
CC: Paul Ryan, Cory Gardner, Mike Pence
Subject: Re: Replacement for Obamacare?

As anyone seen my health care draft?  I have searched all over my office and even in the intern cages.  Did someone take it?

-Ted

 


From: Paul Ryan
Sent: Thursday March 2, 2017 10:49 AM
To: Ted Cruz
CC: Cory Gardner, Mitch McConnell, Mike Pence
Subject: Re: Replacement for Obamacare?

No one has seen your stupid draft.  You probably left it at home.

Sent from my iPad

 


From: Ted Cruz
Sent: Thursday March 2, 2017 11:01 AM
To: GOP Listserv
Subject: Re: Replacement for Obamacare?

Hello everyone,

I cannot find my draft of the new health care bill.  Did anyone take it from my office?  It is a stack of paper written in intern blood and bound in their skin.

Thanks,
Ted

 


From: Jason Chaffetz
Sent: Thursday March 2, 2017 11:05 AM
To: Ted Cruz
CC: GOP Listserv
Subject: Re: Replacement for Obamacare?

Ted,

Did you check under your blood alter?  I lose stuff under there all the time.

Regards,
Jason Chaffetz
U.S. Representative, Utah

 


From: Marco Rubio
Sent: Thursday March 2, 2017 11:13 AM
To: Mike Pence, Ted Cruz, Mitch McConnell
CC: GOP Listserv
Subject: Re: Replacement for Obamacare?

Gentlemen, I fully support the new plan or the old plan.  Whichever plan you guys choose.  I am here to support Team GOP!

Sincerely,
Senator Marco Rubio
Website 1: http://www.marcorubio.com
Website 2: http://www.rubio.senate.gov
Phone: 202-224-3041
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/SenatorMarcoRubio
Twitter 1: @marcorubio
Twitter 2: @SenRubioPress
Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/user/SenatorMarcoRubio
Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/marcorubiofla
Flipboard: flipboard.com/@marcorubio

 


From: Paul Ryan
Sent: Thursday March 2, 2017 11:27 AM
To: Ted Cruz
CC: GOP Listserv
Subject: Re: Replacement for Obamacare?

Hey Cruz, you little weirdo.  I took your health care bill this morning.  I am going to put my stank on it and release it publicly on Monday.

Sent from my iPad

 


From: Ted Cruz
Sent: Thursday March 2, 2017 11:29 AM
To: Paul Ryan
CC: GOP Listserv
Subject: Re: Replacement for Obamacare?

Thief!  I shall report you to the Dark Elders!

-Ted

 


From: Mike Pence
Sent: Thursday March 2, 2017 11:33 AM
To: Paul Ryan, Ted Cruz
CC: GOP Listserv
Subject: Re: Replacement for Obamacare?

Paul, good work.  Be sure to put in some BS about tax credits.  Poor people love those.

Regards,
Mike Pence
Vice President of the United States

“If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them.” – Leviticus 20:13
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From: Ben Carson
Sent: Thursday March 2, 2017 11:43 AM
To: GOP Listserv
CC: [All Contacts]
Subject: Re: Replacement for Obamacare?

I am thinking about getting some Chipotle for lunch.  Anyone care to join me?

-Ben

 

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