The Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America was recently contacted by a confidential informant inside the White House. We will not divulge his true identity to protect his safety. He will only be referred to as “Dr. C.” This morning Dr. C emailed us a classified, internal email from the Secret Service. We hesitate to publish this message to the Internet, but the American people need to know its contents. The email is included below.
To: (multiple recipients)
From: Joseph Clancy <J.Clancy@ss.dhs.gov>
Subject: A Time for Reflection
Good morning team,
Everyday we here at the Secret Service strive to live up to our motto “worthy of trust and confidence.” It is not some non-sense slogan but a way of life. We must always work to earn the faith and respect of the American people and our elected officials. We must constantly be aware of our own failings, and we must work tirelessly to improve.
Two years ago, I took over this agency after my predecessor, Julia Pierson, was forced to resign after a series of high-profile incidents, including a fence jumper with a knife getting to the East Room of the White House, a security guard with a gun and a criminal history riding an elevator with President Obama, and a whole bunch of agents getting drunk and doing stupid things. I was told we got rid of those clowns and that now I was taking over a fresh crop of agents ready to defend the president and fight counterfeit US currency with dignity and honor. (As an aside, we really should outsource the counterfeiting work). Sadly, as I am sure you are aware, our agency is currently failing to properly serve and protect this new administration. Ladies and gentlemen, we can and must do better.
In the spirit of continual improvement, this morning I would like you all to take a few minutes to reflect on some of the latest events affecting our agency and think about what you can do to help us succeed next time.
Let me begin with last week’s rally in Florida. The President brought Gene Huber onto the stage with him. This man admits that he prays to a 6 foot tall cutout of Donald Trump. For over two minutes, this man was standing beside the president. This person presents an unknown danger that we cannot have near the Commander-in-Chief. How did this oversight even happen? Was Mr. Huber screened or even given a pat-down before taking the stage!? This is basic stuff people!
I am sorry everyone. That is my anger talking. I know you are trying your best. Let me continue.
At the same rally, how did we let the “Blacks for Trump” guys on the stage? Again? Remember your training. Black people at a Trump rally should be an obvious red flag here. Did anyone Google these guys? They had websites printed on their signs. Check those websites. At least one of these guys is a former member of the Nation of Yahweh, a Florida-based, black supremacist cult whose members have been accused of murder. How were these men allowed near the president? Did any part of “black supremacist cult,” “accused of murder,” or “Florida-based” seem okay to you? How the hell does this happen!?
Breathe, Joe, breathe. Sorry again folks. I forgot to do my breathing exercises. My therapist has been encouraging me to take time to breathe each morning. Okay, let’s moove on.
Before the rally, a protestor threw a chunk of wood at the presidential motorcade. A middle school student later confessed to throwing the piece of wood. He should have not been able to confess because he should have been eating gravel three seconds after fucking looking at the motorcade! Sorry, sorry. That’s the anger again.
Can any one tell me how someone found out Rick carried the nuclear football? This information is to be kept strictly on a need-to-know basis. You should never discuss security details to anyone outside this agency, and none of you should be posing for Facebook pictures with Trump fans. Did you not learn anything in your months of basic training? Are you not paying attention during our quarterly security refreshers. Surely I did not inherit the same group of bumbling idiots Pierson had. Surely not.
I apologize everyone. I should not be so hard on you all. This dumbass president is not making it easy on any of us. The president thinks he is a man of the people if he brings weirdos on stage with him or lets Mar-a-Lago club members watch him vet cabinet appointees. I also understand our resources are stretched thin at the moment. Keeping up with the Trump family is an expensive, logistics nightmare. We have agents with the president in the White House and his constant trips to the Mar-a-Lago, a team following Eric and Don Jr. to golf courses in UAE and South America, and agents watching Melania and Barron in New York. This is a huge burden on us and on local law enforcement agencies. We paid nearly $100,000 in hotel rooms just to protect the sons on a business trip to Uruguay. New York security for Melania and Barron is estimated to cost $183 million this year. Poor Palm Beach is paying $60,000 a day when the President is at the Mar-a-Lago. You are also really sleep-deprived and overworked, which obviously affects job performance. So, I am sorry again for flying off the handle there. The stress is intense, but we are the Secret Service. We must be “worthy of trust and confidence.”
Wait, where is Tiffany Trump? We still have not found her. How exactly did the Tiffany Team lose her? It has been 12 days since we lost track of her. This is becoming an embarrassment for this agency. If you know where she is, please forward that information to me directly.
Okay, that’s it. In response to these recent events, I have authorized the following policy changes at all levels of the agency effective immediately.
1. We are going to be implement new screening procedures at public events. Starting today, a minimum of a Google search is required for anyone on stage with the president. You are to remove individuals from the stage if you find any threats of violence on their Facebook page (against anyone) or pictures of their Trump shrines on Twitter.
2. Find a way to tell the president “no” when he has a terrible idea that puts him in jeopardy. I do not advise you to tell him “no” directly. Make it seem like he came up with the idea himself. If that does not work, treat him like you are giving a dog heartworm medication. Give him something he does not want to hear by wrapping it up in something that appeals to him. For example, if the president insists on staying at a rally while attendees are starting to light crosses, suggest he investigate a nearby girls’ locker room instead.
3. Get him away from the Mar-a-Lago. It is a beachfront resort on a narrow island with frequent traffic jams. It has club members entering and leaving all day and night. The Mar-a-Lago is not an acceptable place to house and protect a president. This is the purpose of Camp David. Make him go to Camp David. Put in a strip club. Tell him he can build a 58-storey-tall building with 68 floors with his name on it. Just get him out of that nuthouse in Florida.
4. Ankle monitor on Tiffany. I cannot stress this enough. As soon as we find her, put an ankle monitor on her so this does not happen again. Maybe also put in one of those tracking chips for pets.
Alright. You know what? I came out of retirement to run this garbage pile of an agency, and now this dumbass wants to bankrupt us like he did his casinos. I do not need this. I am stepping down next week. I wish all you morons the best. Just try not to lose any more computers while I am gone.
Joseph P. Clancy
United States Secret Service