On August 5, 1965, Vice President Hubert Humphrey, Jr. looked into the clear summer sky and discovered the moon. Following his discovery, old Humpy did what any other man in power would do in his situation: he formed a secret society. That secret brotherhood was called the Humphrey Society for the Advancement of Moon Knowledge and Moon Exploitation (HSAMKME). HSAMKME was the first group to advocate lunar exploration. Later a joint venture was forged between the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) and HSAMKME. Together they sent one of the founding members of HSAMKME, Neil Armstrong, to the lunar surface in 1969. He collected thirty tons of lunar rocks and brought them back to Earth for analysis. They yielded diamonds. Lots and lots of diamonds.
Thus began the Great Diamond Rush of 1970. Pioneers from all over North America ascended to the moon on rocket ships made from old bathtubs and discount fireworks. Many did not survive the journey. A giant marble bathtub on the moon commemorates the sacrifice of these brave frontiersmen. The ones who made it to the moon found an unfathomable bounty of precious uncut diamonds. Tension between diamond hunters over the rights to various diamond fields led to the formation of several trade guilds, the largest two being the Central Lunar Diamond Exchange (CLDE) and the Diamond Merchants of the Moon (DMM). Disputes between the two groups escalated into a series of bloody wars. Many more of these early diamond hunters would lose their lives to gunfire and laser gunfire as well as improvised weaponry, such as steam-powered pickaxe launchers and sinks made from dynamite. To commemorate the loss of those brave men and women who died in those long bloody land disputes, a giant marble sink was constructed beside the marble bathtub memorial.
Then came an economist named Stewart C. Myers. Myers realized that if these diamonds made it back to Earth it would cause an economic disaster. The flood of diamonds on the market would depreciate the value of goods across the world and blah, blah, blah. So being lame, he and a group of terrorist economists stole the bathtub vessels loaded with diamonds and dumped them into the sun. Unfortunately the diamond harvesting technology of the pioneers was too efficient. They managed to collect all of the diamonds on the moon before and during the conflict. Myers and his gang destroyed all of the moon’s diamonds (or so they say … ). For future generations to remember Myers and his actions, the diamond hunters constructed a giant marble toilet.
With nothing better to do, the pioneers settled down and started making babies. Without diamonds, babies became the commodity of choice. Babies were traded for other goods and services. It was said you could buy a transport that could take you to the Andromeda galaxy for fifty babies, but this is ludicrous as such a vessel would cost at least ninety babies, maybe even a hundred.
Back on Earth, HSAMKME, NASA, and the United States government realized the potential of the moon. They began drafting the plans for a large military compound and vacation resort which they called a moon base. They planned and deliberated on the best method to overthrow the early moon settlers and install this moon base. This process would take almost forty years. In 2008, members of the Humphrey Society for the Advancement of Moon Knowledge and Moon Exploitation helped form another secret society called the Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America (OMBPUSA). Behind the operation was one man. The founder and chief architect of OMBPUSA was a powerful leader by the name of Bryan Fantana. He had a charm and charisma that captivated millions of sexy women. At one time he was the supreme warlord of southern Asia. More importantly Fantana had a heavy influence over the baby demographic. This is mostly due to his stance of letting babies have as many rattles as they want. He was able to start an insurgency amongst the lunar babies against their parents and thus bring about the destruction of the lunar settlements.
With the settlers leaving on their bathtub vessels, the stage was set for Fantana and OMBPUSA to re-colonize the moon and begin construction of a new lunar outpost. The outlined plan called for the construction of a moon base called Moon Base. Moon Base would serve several functions. Space cannons on the lunar surface and the moon’s position would give the United States military a strategic advantage in modern warfare. The tourist industry on the moon would help fuel the economy. The estimated 100 square miles of lunar surface would offer plenty of room for research laboratories which would study the effects of werewolfism, the possibility of growing new lunar diamonds, and baby research technologies among other areas of interest. However budget cuts and bureaucratic negligence have halted the construction of a lunar facility.
The Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America now serves a new function: to build and promote a moon base. Okay, so technically two functions. It will not be easy, but that has never stopped America before.
You can join the fight for a moon base! Join The Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America. Support our cause. Help us build a moon base. Do it for freedom! Do it for justice! Do it for all the babies!™