[“Reasons to Build a Moon Base” is a multi-part series highlighting some of the many reasons we need to build a moon base. Reference these articles during arguments at your next family gathering. And tell Grandma she might remember Neil Armstrong skipping around on the moon, but she doesn’t know a damn thing about space travel.]
Hello frustrated Internet user.
Right now you might be scared for the future of the Internet. If not, you should be. The new Federal Communications Commission (FCC) chairman, Ajit Pai, is an outspoken opponent to net neutrality. He has already started dropping investigations into what many think are unfair practices by large internet providers. “Net neutrality” is the policy that the Internet should be fair to all users and content providers. Pai’s plans to reduce restrictions on the Internet would allow large telecommunication companies to jack up prices, force websites to pay these providers for easier access to their customers, and potentially block or restrict websites that do not comply. Such moves would make it extremely difficult for smaller websites (e.g. such as this one) to reach their target audience (e.g. moon base enthusiasts).
On top of that, if you live in America, you are already paying way too much for very slow internet. A decaying telecommunications infrastructure and corporate push-backs have made your internet connection painfully slow and overpriced compared to the rest of the world.
This is pathetic! This is America, and internet access is a right for all Americans. What would you do all day without Facebook, Twitter, memes, cute cat pictures, and hateful comments on YouTube videos? Or the mountains of porn?!
We here at the Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America have the solution to all of this. The solution is Baby Net, a global Wi-Fi network based on the moon. The moon offers an excellent vantage point for global broadcasting of wireless signals. In other words the entire world could be a wireless hotspot. You are in the middle of the Bering Sea and you want to check your stocks? You could do that. Did the government disable your Internet service providers? Connect to Baby Net and troll your local news station’s comment section! Want to check your email on your iPhone? Baby Net will not be Mac compliant.
Before the math geeks start ranting about line of sight problems, the moon router will be supplemented by two satellite routers, as illustrated below. Together these three wireless access points will provide the world with 24/7 access to videos of skateboarding accidents and read Wikipedia articles about sexism on Aqua Teen Hunger Force. And no more logging in and out of different networks. Log into Baby Net once and you are always connected to the Internet wherever you go.
But first we will need to build that moon base and the moon router! So what do you say? Will you support the Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America in building a moon base so that you can pay $1199.99 a month to have high-speed Internet wherever you go?
But all of this is impossible without a moon base! Write to your congressman. Tell him (or her, but almost certainly him) to get us a moon base so you can stream old episodes of Rock of Love in the South Pacific!