Damn it, Phil! You are taking up space on our news feeds for this? We don’t have time for this. We are all really busy right now watching western civilization collapse. All of our free time is spent calling our senators and hoarding canned goods. We got enough to do today without you chiming in on whether or not you saw your shadow.
Oh, you did see your shadow? Congratulations! Hold on a minute while I get band together for your parade. How do you not see your own shadow? How blind are you? Go to LensCrafters and get you some specks, you half-blind, obese whistlepig.
Did you stop to think about what we had going on before you just waltzed up in here telling everybody about how your non-transparent body blocks sunlight? Unless it is Beyonce throwing the shade, we don’t want to hear about it.
While you are cozy in your little den eating bark all day (and I am guessing some Cheetos looking at your waistline), we are in the middle of a national crisis. Do you get CNN in that run-down sinkhole you call a den? Up here on the surface world, everything is spiralling out of control. America drudged up a half-clown, half-Hitler creature from some child’s fever nightmare and elected it president. We are nearly at war with Mexico, Iran, China, Australia, a bunch of other countries, and the Terminator. We are practically rolling over like lapdogs for the Russians. Rolling over on your back is probably something you enjoy, Phil, but we ain’t got a fur coat on all the time like you. The ground is rough and we got bad knees!
And these Senate confirmation hearings. What a joke! At one point it seemed like the Democrats were going to boycott some of the Senate committee hearings, but then the Republicans just changed the rules and voted without them. Then when Democrats hinted they might consider filibustering nominations in the Senate, Trump and the Republicans threatened to get rid of filibustering altogether. Phil, maybe you can live in a society where there are no laws and weather forecasting is done using body fat, but we are human beings. We need some structure and rules that make sense.
Did you see who Trump picked for his cabinet? Good God! Vice President Pence looks like an android the GOP built to house Dick Cheney’s brain but malfunctioned and is stuck in a loop of just hating women and gays. We are going to have a 1870s Confederate general as our attorney general. Trump’s cybersecurity advisor is a cross-dressing grandpa. Do you know Ben Carson? He looks like he might have the same eyesight problems you do. Dr. Carson is now in charge of the Department of Housing and Urban Development. We are all going to watch as he uses his 0.0 years of experience to renovate inner cities. Our next Supreme Court justice might have started a “Fascism Forever Club” while in high school. I don’t even know what is going on with this new Secretary of Education, Betsy Davros. She wants to defund public schools and is the emperor of the Daleks or something. The Internet is saying she is going to leave poor kids without a proper education and will probably put them into personal armored tanks to create an emotionless master race with a singular drive to destroy all of time and space. ALL of time and space, Phil!
But, never mind us. Since you interrupted, go ahead. No, no, I insist. We really were not busy worrying about the downfall of America. Tell us about your shadow.
We have six more weeks of winter ahead of us? Are you kidding? We get that science is not your strong suit, but let us tell you something about weather. Global warming is real, it is man made, and it is here to kick our asses. You better have enough room in your burrow for the rest of us because when the ozone layer peels away and the polar bears come looking for revenge, we are moving in with you.
It looks like something else is coming up in the news feed. Oh great! It looks like while we were wasting time with you, Trump is trying to get rid of the separation of church and state. We don’t even time to process that. If you keep distracting us with this rodent soothsayer nonsense, we are going to have our heads turned when the world implodes.
Alright Phil. Thanks for the weather update. We will add six more weeks of winter to the ever growing list of things to worry about. Now get back in your den and come back when you have a Super Bowl prediction.