Everything is a little hazy. You feel like you got hit by a station wagon as it plowed through a farmers market. Panic is everywhere. Life has gotten really dark. You are not sure what is real. But, it is all real. You are in Donald Trump’s America, and everything feels wrong.
Around now you realize something that should have been obvious earlier. We are living in the darkest timeline. A fissure in reality happened sometime in the past (I am guessing it is when Jimmy Fallon tussled Donald’s hair). Either way, we all got stuck in the most grim of the alternate universes. It all makes sense now. Whatever is the worst case scenario for something is exactly what happens now. Government agencies are now run by people who want to destroy that specific agency. Many federal employees are being silenced. The EPA is practically shut down. The United States may drop out of NATO and the United Nations. White House officials are completely fine with outright lying to the public and letting the public know this. Nazis have resurfaced. White supremacists are harassing Shia Labeouf.
Now it looks like health care is going to change in a big way very soon. The GOP controlled Congress is eagerly dismantling the Affordable Care Act (a.k.a. Obamacare). Unfortunately the Republicans are not too forthcoming on what will take its place. Perhaps things will revert back to our previous private health care system but with higher premiums for some reason. Or Congress could replace Obamacare with what they call “Trumpcare” which would be an almost word-for-word replica of Obamacare but with higher premiums for some reason. At the same time, major insurance companies are strategizing. A federal judge recently blocked the multi-billion dollar merger between Aetna and Humana citing anti-trust laws. The merger between Anthem and Cigna is still pending. But in Trump’s America, it is only a matter of time before anti-trust laws are abolished and companies are free to do whatever they want.
All of this leads you struggling for answers. How can we fix the American health care system? How can we provide adequate and affordable health care for all Americans? Is such a thing even possible?
Thankfully, the Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America has the answers. We have spent weeks formulating an alternative to Obamacare. We would like to present to you MoonCare, a new and comprehensive health care plan for all Americans.
Let’s face it. You are in the darkest timeline now. The traditional private, government assisted, or single-payer insurance programs are not going to be enough to cover the strange new risks you will face in your day-to-day life. That is where MoonCare comes in. MoonCare provides you with full coverage for the upcoming events in the darkest, most-terrible timeline. Get your arm bitten off by a Denny’s fry cook? Doctors under MoonCare can put a machine gun on the stump. End up in an insane asylum after witnessing your loved ones devoured by bees? MoonCare can get you fresh bed sheets. Accidentally find yourself in Florida? MoonCare specialists can helicopter you out of there!
Forget waiting on Congress to decide on your health care. We made MoonCare available right now! MoonCare will replace your old insurance coverage which will be rendered obsolete anyway in 2019 when anti-abortion laws broaden enough that all hospitals are closed. Is it affordable? Of course not. Darkest timeline, remember? But you are going to need all the insurance you can get when super intelligent wolves acquire a taste for human flesh.
MoonCare will provide three levels of health care services. You can choose the one that is right for you and your loved ones.
Level 1: AdvancedCare™ Deluxe Health Care Package
The basic membership level includes a goatee to help you blend in amongst a country of evil alter egos.
Premiums: $600 per month (plus $1500 per additional family member per month)
Deductible: Irrelevant because we are not going to pay for anything.
Rx Plan: Here is some old Claritin we found in your mom’s cabinet.
Benefits: You got the goatee, didn’t you?
Level 2: MegaCare™ Premium Advantage Plus 2
This upgraded plan provides you and your family with more coverage.
Premiums: $1900 per month (this is an individual plan that does not cover families)
Deductible: $1.2 million
Rx Plan: Here is a baseball bat. Walgreen’s closes at 10.
Benefits: Level 2 members will have 24/7 access to our medical hotline. For 2 hours a day, experts can type your medical information into Google and read you the results. For the remaining 22 hours, this phone number becomes a sex line.
Level 3: The Good One.
The only membership level that would remotely qualify as insurance.
Premiums: Everything you own plus everything your neighbor owns.
Rx Plan: A stolen prescription pad and a pen.
Benefits: Do you remember all those cool benefits we mentioned earlier? This is the only level with any of that.
You need MoonCare, and you cannot afford to wait much longer. We are working on getting back to the Prime Timeline, but until we get the flux capacitors working, get MoonCare! Just remember: do not come crying to us when a witch doctor turns your dog into a locust-spewing hellbeast. If you had MoonCare, you could have fought off that witch doctor with an eyepatch and a laser chainsaw.
Legal Disclaimer: MoonCare does not cover attacks by ass-crack bandits.