A Letter to Donald Trump

The Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America
101.3 Moon Base Dr.
Moon, Solar System, Milky Way Galaxy, 2001

Saturday Jan 21, 2017

Donald J. Trump
1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW
Washington, DC 20006

Your Excellency the Trump:

warhammer-40k-trumpLet me begin by congratulating you on becoming president.  In the Middle Ages, when meeting foreign kings or emperors for the first time, it was customary for emissaries to bring gifts.  To that end, please enjoy the enclosed Edible Arrangements basket and Tupperware container of pee.

Thank you for taking time away from your busy schedule to have someone read this to you. No doubt your first few days will be busy with making America great again and gold plating all the White House doors.  So I will make this letter brief.

We are the Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America.  We are the leading political party advocating for lunar colonization and the rights of babies everywhere.  You and our organization are not so unalike.  We are outsiders who defy the political establishment.  We are entrepreneurs; we have submitted numerous innovative rocket designs to NASA, but with no reply.  You don’t seem to care about facts, and neither do we.

But, we have another, more important common interest: lunar colonization.  Historian Douglas Brinkley said that you were already very interested in putting a man on the moon again.  I hope he was right.  But we cannot stop there.  We cannot just go back to the moon.  Trump the Great Builder, help us build a moon base!

A moon base presents many exciting possibilities.  Think about all the jobs that will be created by building and staffing the moon base.  Think about the apartments, casinos, office buildings, and other real estate projects on the moon.  Think about “Donald J. Trump, the man that got us back to the moon.”  The moon is an undeveloped real estate gold mine.  Don’t believe us?  Just ask your advisor and fellow moon base supporter, Newt Gingrich.  Gingrich knows the opportunities a moon base would give us.

There is another way that we are alike, Trump the Uniter.  We like to make deals.  We would like to make a deal with you.  We would like to propose the following for us.

  1. Give us tax breaks.  We are trying to colonize the moon.  That takes a lot of money.  We need as many tax breaks for our organization and its members as possible in order to fund lobbying efforts to get the United States government to build a moon base.  In the Trump era, there should be some new laws or loopholes that let us avoid taxes altogether.  Maybe we have to restructure ourselves as a multinational bank, or file for bankruptcy six times, or declare ourselves a religion.  But we know you are a financial guru who knows the tax codes inside and out.  We know you can help us out.
  1. Advocate the Republican Congress to build a moon base.  While we are a growing movement, you are already president.  You could be a powerful voice for a moon base.  Oh Donald the Dark One, speak before Congress and pressure them to build a moon base.
  1. Push for a massive NASA budget increase.  Allocate at least $1.8 trillion dollars of the annual federal budget to NASA.  Those eggheads at NASA need cold hard cash to get us to the cold hard moon!

In return, we will offer you Trump the Great Lover the following.

  1. Withdrawing our contention for president in 2020.  If you are helping us build a moon base, then there is no need for us to run in 2020.  We will postpone our election bid until 2024.  That will certainly help you sleep easier for the next four years.
  1. Your name on the moon!  Imagine “TRUMP” in big letters on the moon.  The world will recognize the greatness of America and the greatness of Trump the Magnificent every single night.
  1. Kick Elon Musk in the balls.  Elon thinks he is the hot shot in the space exploration game.  Take him down a peg.  This will also start a billionaire war.  Think about the ratings potential of that!

three-trump-moonSome groups out there might want you to ramp up funding for exploration of Mars.  These people are crooks and charltons!  Chris Carberry, founder of Explore Mars, thinks it is a terrible idea to go to the moon. He wants you to spend precious taxpayer dollars on Mars exploration.  That small rusty planet is a disgrace to the solar system.  It is a 4 out of 10 at best.  We must focus on celestial bodies much closer to home.  Besides, you cannot see a TRUMP sign placed on Mars.

Worse still is that the Europeans are trying to build a hippy “lunar village.”  A lunar village on our moon.  America’s moon.

So help us, Trump the All Powerful.  Together, we can build a new real estate empire on the moon.  Let’s get back to the moon.  Let’s build a moon base.

Let’s make the moon great again!

Sincerely,
Bryan Fantana
CEO, President, and Founder
Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America

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