Well, that was certainly an interesting election. Let’s review. The Democrats tried to pass off a cylon as a presidential candidate. The Republicans tried to make 16 escaped mental patients seem palatable. The Libertarians and the Green Party … they tried. The news outlets got distracted by whatever was trending on Twitter that day. We were reminded that the electoral college is a thing that exists to ruin elections and make Iowa seem important. In the end, America elected an unqualified, rich man-baby as president who will enter office with the lowest poll numbers in history. The system works!
The 2016 presidential election profoundly changed politics. If there was one thing to learn from this election, it was that the American people are sick and tired of the political establishment. That rich man-baby was seen as an “outsider,” and voters really wanted an outsider. To that we say, what is more outsider than the moon?
For years, the Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America has been well outside the establishment shouting at the establishment to stop being so establishment-y. We have been championing the values of millions of Americans. Up until this point, the establishment-est establishment has ignored our voices and trampled these values. That is about to change. To that end, ladies and gentlemen, we here at the Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America are proud to announce our contention for president of the United States in 2020.
You may be unfamiliar with our platform and our stances on the latest issues. Our analysis indicates that none of that really matters. As long as we scream loudly about kids these days are destroying the country in front of an American flag, we have your vote. But for those of you who are less likely to blindly support a political party, we would like to take this time to highlight the key points of our platform.
Our Party’s Platform:
1. We gotta build a moon base!
As our name implies, this is the core of our movement. Folks, we have not been back to the moon since the Apollo 17 lunar module left the surface on Dec 19, 1972. For over forty years, the moon has gone underutilized. We placed a flag on the moon. An American flag. The moon is American property. It is time America returns to the moon and take full advantage of the neglected strategic and financial opportunities a moon base offers.
In warfare, it is advantageous to have the high ground, and what ground is higher than the moon? An installation on the moon offers our military forces a position to monitor and maintain America’s interests abroad. Large laser cannons on the moon would also give us the firepower necessary to enforce democracy around the world. The laser cannons may also allow us to control the weather if we target the right clouds. We are still looking into this.
While the cartoons of your childhood might suggest otherwise, the moon is not made of cheese. In fact, the moon is composed of rock and many valuable natural resources. Lunar mining represents a multi-trillion dollar economic venture. One resource is helium-3, an isotope of helium useful in fusion reactors. Metals such as aluminum, iron, and titanium have also been discovered on the moon. More importantly, what the government doesn’t want you to know, is that the moon is covered in gold mines! We could see the next great gold rush to the moon!
The consumer sector can benefit from a moon base too. The moon’s reduced gravity and lack of an atmosphere allow us to build enormous, high-speed roller coasts with relative ease. Plans are underway to construct the largest known theme park in the solar system! The economic windfall from a lunar theme park is too great to just hand over to the Chinese. America has to build a moon base!
2. Do it for all the babies!
Babies are the building blocks of society. Without them, humanity would perish. The Official Moon Base Party of the United States represents the interests of today’s generation. Literally today’s generation, that is, the generation born today. Babies represent a large portion of the American population whose voices are unheard simply because they cannot speak. This injustice will not continue. We will be the voices for this unheard, fussy generation. We advocate for the issues babies care about most. What issues are those? Nap time and building a moon base!
3. It is time for a fourth party!
Americans feel disconnected from the two party system. The partisan divide has gridlocked congress and made the government more inefficient than ever. To make matters worse, neither party adequately capture the values of many Americans. Over the years, numerous third parties have tried to challenge this system but to no avail.
The time has come for a fourth party. We need a political movement that represents what is best for America: babies and military installations / theme parks on the moon. The Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America is that movement. We are not a typical political party. We are extreme outsiders. We certainly don’t fit the molds of the Democratic or Republican Parties. We don’t pretend to know what we are doing like a third party. We have zero political experience. We did not even watch that Schoolhouse Rock episode about how a bill becomes a law. Until Trump got elected, we thought we would make terrible leaders. But now, it is clear anyone can be president. And if anyone can be president, you might as well join a political movement that is refreshingly honest about how we have no idea what we are doing.
In the coming months, we here at the Official Moon Base Party of the United States will outline our plans for America, present our candidates for nomination, and generally challenge the status quo. We have a hard road ahead. The most established political establishment in established history will fight us at every step, but we are more than ready for the challenge. And why do this? Why fight this fight? Simple. We gotta build a moon base!