[I woke up this morning to find a mysterious envelope in my mailbox. Inside were two letters from George W. Bush. In the first letter, he writes how he is a fan of the Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America. He then asks if I would publish the other accompanying letter on our website. How can I refuse an ex-president? I retyped his letter and added in the photos he glued to the letter. I present his letter to you now.]
I would first like to thank Mr. Santana [sic] for publishing my letter on his wonderful website. As a news outlet about rave parties on the moon, I know this letter will reach millions of impressionable youth.
Being the president of the United States was the most demanding job I have ever had. I had to work three and sometimes four days a week for up to three weeks at a time. My advisors constantly wanted me to make decisions for them. Laura, the kids, and I would fly down to the ranch as often as we could to get away from it all, but the work and the stress would follow us. On more than one occasion I found myself searching for Osama bin Laden amongst the tall reeds down by the creek. I thought I found him once, but it turned out to be a large possum.
All of that work prevented me from reading my daily newspaper. From Inauguration Day onward, I let the newspapers pile up in the corner of the Oval Office. Upon leaving the White House, it took me several dozen wheelbarrow trips to get them all out of there. The stack of papers filled half a U-Haul!
I have spent the last few years catching up on all of those newspapers. I am proud to report to you that I am almost done. I am up to October 2008. I am really excited to find out what happens between John McCain and this Obama fellow. Don’t tell me! I hate spoilers.
While reading some of these papers, I wrote down a few things I found disturbing. I would like to take a few moments to give you my opinion on these.
1. In 2005 Kanye West made a comment in regard to my reaction to Hurricane Katrina. He said that I do not care about black people. This statement is both false and offensive. I am not nor have I ever been a racist. I knew some racists growing up in Texas and I might have attended a Klan rally in my youth, but I am not a racist. I was only there for the free beer and because I knew Cheryl would be there and I thought, “Why not get some free beer and a piece of that ass?” I know most of you would have done the same thing if you were in my position.
I like black people very much. Some of my best friends are black. Have you never seen Colin Powell or Condoleezza Rice? In case you haven’t, they are black and we are all BFFs.
2. What the hell is with Pluto no longer being a planet? I learned in school the planets are
Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto.
It was really easy to remember once my teacher told me to memorize the sentence
My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas.
You see, each word in the phrase above starts with the same letter as one of the planets and the phrase helps you remember the correct order! Genius! However without Pluto, the sentence becomes
My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nine.
NINE WHAT? It does not tell us what my mother just served us nine of. I hope “Nine” does not refer to that god-awful animated movie about the sock puppet robots. That movie was really stupid.
Pluto should be a planet again. Had I known of this while president I would have been able to do something about it. When I finally get done with these newspapers and find out who our new president will be (don’t ruin it for me!), I will write him a letter asking him to make Pluto a planet again.
3. While we are on the topic of space and space travel, I think we should take a brief moment to mourn the lives lost in the Columbia disaster. Your families and friends will be in our prayers.
4. I think we all know about September 11 and the loss of thousands in the World Trade Center, but did you know another plane hit the Pentagon? Let’s pray for them too.
5. I don’t know what egghead let the Northeast Blackout of 2003 happen, but I hope he got fired. The ranch has a backup generator in case the power goes out or if Clyde gets drunk and shoots at birds on the power lines again. Don’t we have giant diesel generators buried in a mountain somewhere for such emergencies? If not we should get some. You can forward my Nobel Prize to my Dallas address.
6. Is the Vatican really going to let some former Nazi be their Pope? Those Catholics sure are crazy.
7. What is with the ocean? First it was the 2004 tsunami in Asia, then we had Hurricane Katrina hitting New Orleans and destroying the fragile levees. Please stop attacking us Ocean. Do we need to once again sacrifice children upon a stone alter? We have plenty of students who No Child Left Behind left behind. Oh mighty Ocean, would their blood appease you?
8. It looks like there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq after all. Clyde told me he was pretty sure they were there. Damn. Oh well.
9. I was deeply saddened to discover Steve Irwin had passed away. I used to love watching The Crocodile Hunter on Animal Planet. Seeing a man with a funny accent wrestle crocodiles and giant snakes was one of those little joys in life I will surely miss.
10. What exactly is chocolate rain?
11. Why can’t those folks in the Middle East just calm down? You have been fighting the same war for a thousand years or something. Give it a break already. Have a cookout, invite the neighbors over, and chow down on some hot dogs.
12. Samuel L. Jackson in Star Wars? I have to tell Linda to add this to the Netflix queue.
That is all I feel like writing about today. Thank you Moon Dance Party of America for letting me get this off my chest.
George W. Bush