Since Wednesday, the Moon Base Party has been inundated with e-mails. I just assumed they were more emails from Jeffrey. He has messaged us nonstop since June when we misplaced several of his wife’s lawn ornaments. (Jeffrey, if you are reading this, I swear I personally mailed the flamingo months ago. The post office must have lost it.) However these recent emails have concerned a Mr. Newton Leroy Gingrich. At first I thought maybe people wanted to add events to the list of Bad Things that Happened to Newt Gingrich. I was shocked to discover that Newt Gingrich wants to build a moon base. Now everyone wants to know our official response.
Our official response: We couldn’t be happier!
Finally, a major political figure outside of the Moon Base Party is advocating the construction of a lunar colony. Newt understands the variety of benefits a lunar instillation has to offer: lunar mining, low gravity experimentation, space-based laser cannons, inspiring a generation of future scientists, and ridiculously tall water slides. Newt gets it. He also understands that the United States must be the country to colonize the moon or else we risk some other nation (*cough* China *cough*) plundering the moon’s resources. Perhaps the most important aspect of this story is “moon base” has been trending on Twitter for days. America’s short attention span is finally focused on this important issue. We here at the Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America hope Gingrich can keep up the moon momentum. Newt, if you need our help, let us know. We may not have super PAC money, but we can make some pretty badass flyers. Check these out.
All of this attention has garnered some concern from my fellow Lunatics. Who do moon base supports vote for now: Bryan Fantana or Newt Gingrich? Now we have two contestants from two political parties claiming they are the ones to vote for if you want a moon base. I say it does not matter which one of us you choose. The important thing is that you vote for a candidate who is finally going to get America that moon base!
Well that is it. Thanks for reading everyone. Goodbye!
Are you still there? Oh good. Now that everyone else has moved on to a different webpage, it is time for me to chat with my fellow Lunatics. You guys know something is up. Normal politicians do not talk about space because the electorate have given up on space. Most voters would rather ban gay marriage, talk about the Kardashians, or build a concrete anti-immigration dome around America than consider financing research that could actually keep America a technological leader.
You might also wonder where I have been for the past few months.
I knew I couldn’t get anything past the Moon Base Party insiders. You caught me. Newt Gingrich seems completely insane. He is talking about building a moon base. He has ridiculous hair. He looks like a giant baby. The signs are there. Newt Gingrich is an android I built and sent into the past.
Several months ago I realized I did not stand a chance at actually becoming president of the United States. I am too good looking, and more critically I am drastically underfunded. Buying an election Running a campaign is expensive. It turned out the money I saved switching to store brand toilet paper was not going to be enough. So I had to resort to Operation Alter History.
Operation Alter History required building a time machine to send a robot politician to the year 1976. Once elected this robot would work his way up the political system and become an important member of his political party. Eventually he would run for president where he would bring the views of the Moon Base Party to the forefront. While under my command, this robot president would build America’s much needed moon base. The plan was foolproof.
Enter Newt Gingrich. I named him after Sir Issac Newton and my third grader teacher Mrs. Gingrich who was terrified of robot uprisings. Newt is a cybernetic organism (living tissue over metal endoskeleton). He is certainly not the best looking android anyone has ever built, but in my defense he was my first attempt at building an android. His baby-based body was designed to appeal to babies, which are our party’s target demographic. His advanced age, outdated beliefs, and whiteness made him appealing to Republicans. Republicans were deemed the major political party least likely to discover their presidential nominee was a robot.
I tuned the flux capacitor to 1976, threw the switch, and hoped for the best. At first everything was going according to plan. Sure Newt may have left his first wife after she was diagnosed with cancer and his second wife when a more attractive lady came around, but Newt was an android. Leaving one obsolete wife for an improved model is what they do. Newt might have also been an asshole, but that was because I never got around to installing that empathy chip. Luckily in politics, lacking empathy can easily be overlooked.
Operation Alter History was working remarkably well until Bill Clinton’s sex scandal. Something about this relatively minor scandal caused a misfire in Newt’s ethics processor. Newt led the crusade against Clinton. In the end something had changed in Newt’s programing. His arrogance exceeded the capabilities of his central mainframes. Newt had gone into meltdown.
In 2012 Gingrich finally mentioned constructing a moon base, but his creditability was ruined. No one took him seriously. Pundits now use Gingrich and the moon base as the punch lines of their jokes. My plan backfired. The integrity of the Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America was on the line.
So I sent another android back in time. What other choice did I have? Operation Re-alter History was initiated. A few days ago I built a more advanced robot to stop Gingrich from ruining the reputation of the moon base while simultaneously making me a lot of money. I figured this time around I should at least make a little money off of my timeline alterations. I spent extra time working on his aesthetics to make him more likeable and appealing to voters. I called the new robot Mitt Romney as a homage to the late Milton Romney of the Chicago Bears. The plan was foolproof.
Then this morning I checked in on Romney to see how he was doing. I was horrified to discover that Romney has been constantly contradicting himself. Looking back at the code I realized I screwed up his self-consistency algorithm. Like with Gingrich’s empathy chip, this is normally something that can be overlooked in the political arena. However American voters have realized just how bad the self-consistency algorithm really is. That is going to hurt him in the polls. Also I have no idea how he became a Mormon. He has no chance of being president with that error. Moreover, in my haste to stop Gingrich, I may have forgotten to program Mitt to spread the word about the moon base.
But I can fix this! Operation Re-re-alter History is underway. By this afternoon I will have finished reprograming my lady robot (I built her for company around the house; get your mind out of the gutter). She will stop Newt and Mitt. I am naming my new creation after German mathematician Paul Gustav Heinrich Bachmann as I have always been a fan of his work on number theory. Don’t worry fellow Lunatics. This plan is foolproof.