Since announcing his presidential bid, Newt Gingrich has been having a pretty bad week. Here is a list of bad things that have happened to the former Speaker of the House just this week.
- Newt criticized Wisconsin Representative Paul Ryan’s budget proposal. He called it “right wing social engineering”. In response, a group of republicans cornered him in a gas station bathroom in Ohio. Eyewitnesses reported seeing a battered and weeping Gingrich stumbling to his car and driving away. That night Gingrich called Ryan to apologize about his earlier comments.
- On Tuesday, Politico released information about Gingrich’s massive debt to Tiffany’s. In 2005 and 2006 he owed the jewelry company between $250,000 and $500,000. Newt reportedly spent all of that money on a watch which is accurate to one picosecond over ten billion years. When asked by reporters why he would want such a highly engineered wristwatch, Gingrich commented that he needed it for his time machine.
- An Iowa resident scolded Gingrich while awkwardly shaking Gingrich’s hand. Newt was initially angered by the words of his fellow Republican, but then he realized they use the same brand of lotion.
- A gay rights activist glitter bombed Newt Gingrich during a book signing. He told reporters he was glad his wife was beside him or else she would have accused him of visiting the strip club again.
- Someone dinged his car door while he was inside a Costco in Arlington, VA. Newt has been spotted glaring at anyone driving a green car.
- Representative Gingrich was really disappointed with the new episode of Tosh.0.
- Newt Gingrich woke up this morning and realized his wife is creepy as fuck. I mean, just look at her. Sweet Jesus.
- On Wednesday the local Baskin-Robbins ran out of mint chocolate chip ice cream. Gingrich had a strong craving for the chocolate and mint treat. He settled for two scoops of cookies and cream.
- The former House Speaker forgot his email password. He finally remembered it was “goprulz”, but only after maxing out his number of attempts.
- Reporters at a press conference on Monday asked Gingrich how he felt about his extramarital affair. His response of “Which one?” did not sit well with those in attendance.
- Newt Gingrich was attack outside his home late yesterday afternoon by a gang of space wasps. They painted “down with the enterprise!” on his garage door before returning to their Martian nest.
- Ohio housewife Cheryl Davis unfriended Newt Gingrich on Facebook. His campaign team fears this may be the start of an unfriending Gingrich trend.
- Gingrich watched that episode of Futurama where Fry’s dog dies.
- Newt expressed grief over wasting time and resources on the Lewinsky scandal and Bill Clinton’s impeachment trial.
- On Sunday, Gingrich lost a game of Simon Says when he put his left hand on his right ear even though no one said, “Simon says put your left hand on your right ear.”
- He slipped two percentage points on Sunday when he refused to acknowledge WWE superstar John Cena is a little overrated. Gingrich responded to protestors with “You can’t see me,” while waving his hand in front of his face.