My fellow Americans,
If you are reading this, either you are a frequent visitor to our site, you accidentally stumbled upon this website while searching “how to get out of an IRS audit”, or you finally earned enough points to use the computer at the Jeremiah Mental Health Center of Carroll County Tennessee. In any case you are undoubtedly familiar with America’s current political climate. Folks like the Tea Partiers, the Birthers, and the British hog much of our airwaves. They spew their angry tirades, their paranoid conspiracy theories, and their fashionable hats upon our televisions, our newspapers, and even on our webnets. I speak for many citizens in this great nation when I say, “We are tired of it.”
Now don’t get me wrong. I have no plans of actually fixing this problem. Life has taught me to never get into an argument that no one can win. No one can convince these people their ideas are completely wrong. Even if you could, they would merely mutate their talking points and recombine them to form another baseless argument. Voices will once again go hoarse from hours of screaming their new opinions, and droves of followers will take their every last word as gospel. “You know Obama is actually a Portuguese lobster, right?” some guy at the hardware store will ask me. “We need to stop taxing the wealthy altogether,” some female news commentator will say to the camera while wearing an oversized hat the looks suspiciously like an upside-down replica of the USS Enterprise. Yeah, fuck that. I am not dealing with it.
Instead I propose another solution to this problem. Let’s get the hell off this rock. Earth is doomed anyway. Despite “inconclusive evidence”, our environmental destruction will eventually wreck the world’s climate to an unsalvageable degree. Our natural resources will run out and our planet will become overpopulated. Another home world would be nice chance to start over. We could get it right this time.
“But if we leave Earth,” you ask, “where will we go?” I was pondering this one morning while watching television in my smiling moons pajamas and eating my special moons-only bowl of Lucky Charms. The History Channel was playing footage of the Apollo 11 moon landing. “Maybe we can live in Buzz Aldrin’s house,” I thought to myself while shoveling another spoonful of blue moons into my mouth. “That isn’t nearly far enough away,” I concluded. I glanced around the room at my detailed diagram of the Apollo landing sites, my many crayon doodles of the moon, and my mural of the moon embracing me in her loving arms. Then I got an idea. I had an idea so crazy it could not possibly fail. Let’s get the hell off this rock and move to a smaller, colder rock. Let’s build a moon base!
By moving to the moon, we could get some distance (roughly 375,000 km on average) between ourselves and the insanity we will leave behind on the Earth. We can still remain close to Earth in case we forget to pack something and have to go back. Moon inhabitants can use the lunar laser cannons to destroy any incoming vessels containing neo-conservatives or other undesirables. Plus we will maintain significant distance between ourselves and Mars, which my sources indicate is controlled by giant, school bus-sized wasps and the ghost of Vladimir Lenin.
Of course one may ask “How do we keep the undesirables from boarding the shuttles to the moon?” Bouncers will screen passengers using the Tortoise Test. The Tortoise Test works by determining a person’s logical thinking abilities and emotional empathy. The subject is asked a simple hypothetical question:
“You are in a desert, walking along in the sand, when all of a sudden you look down and see a tortoise. You reach down and you flip the tortoise over on its back. The tortoise lies on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can’t. Not without your help. But you’re not helping. Why are you not helping the tortoise?”
There is no correct answer to this question. But there are some bad answers. Unacceptable answers include:
“The tortoise made less than $30,000 a year.”
“I am not going to help a tortoise that cannot help itself.”
“The tortoise needs choices so it can determine for itself the best way to get up.”
“That tortoise supports gay marriage.”
If any of these answers are given, the subject will be expelled from the launch platform by means of catapult.
I am fully aware there are some financial issues behind building a moon base. We here at the Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America are working tirelessly on this issue. We have now developed a financing plan for the lunar installation and the necessary shuttle craft. First, NASA is about to retire their entire shuttle fleet. We expect a huge clearance sale in August. Second, I am pretty sure I have a coupon for buy one, get one free on kilometer-long plasma cannons, which are just as good as conventional laser cannons. Finally, we have discovered that NASA will take credit cards. We hope to charge Donald Trump’s credit card and get to the moon base before he notices the bill.
I look forward to seeing you on the moon!
President, The Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America