Whoop – de- freakin – do! The Republicans now have control over the House of Representatives. They’ll rally over cutting programs from the budget and in the end nothing will get cut. Except maybe “Obamacare.” They’ll drag the nation into an abyss trying to repel that Obamacare thing and prove Obama was born in some country like Hawaii and therefore he ain’t actually an American.
Nah man! I haven’t had a thing to drink. Why do you ask?
I’m just a little upset that the Moon Base Party nominees didn’t getting into Congress. We might actually be banned in Florida I’m not sure. Then there is that Christine O’Donnell. She tricked me. She just wanted the campaign money for rent and shower curtains with pink flowers on them. What was I thinking? She showed up in a miniskirt promising to help me get the Party into office. Then she said something about wanting to dress up as a witch or something and I was all like “Hell yeah! This chick is wild!” The bitch took half our funds! Almost $12 in loose change!
Alright, so maybe I had a little something to drink this evening. Not much man. Just a few Keystone Lights. There’s barely any alcohol in those things. It’s like drinking water really.
I guess I should be happy for the Republicans. Job good guys! Now with the Republicans in power EVERYTHING is going to be *so different*. Like we haven’t heard that before! Hahaha! The only things changing around here are old man diapers. Ewww!
Hey buddy! Why do you keep asking about “substance obtuse problems”? You aren’t my parole officer. Maybe I was just in my basement earlier mixing up some Jello shutters. They weren’t for me. Those are for the weekend. You got a problem with that?
Well of course I sampled the rum. You got to make sure it is fresh. Duh-uh! What was I talking about again? REPUBLICANS! That was it. So now they have a Chief Poobah Republican … err.. Jim Boner or something. I think he sits on a throne made of ivory and wears a bucket over his head. What a last name! Boner. I bet he is a huge dick!
No, I didn’t say he has a huge dick. I’m not gay or nothing. Okay, so there was that one time I was an extra in a prison shower porno, but I was merely there to look good lathered up and I didn’t do any gay stuff other than watch and I didn’t really enjoy any of it.
How did you know I was drinking Natty Lites?
Oh I guess I forgot to clean up the cans after the massive amounts of partying tonight! Congrats Republicans!
What? No it was just me here. I guess you could say I’m too much party for most people to handle. Except maybe you. You are kinda cute if you know what I mean.
You know what I like? I like what the Republicans did. They read the Constitution out loud. It was like story time, but the story was old school America! That was some awesome shit man. Hey I got an idea. Let’s read another important historical American document. How about the Federalist Papers? That sounds great. Okay, read out loud with me.
Quit your whining. This is going to happen man. Live with it. Stand up and read this aloud right now!
The Federalist No. 10
The Utility of the Union as a Safeguard Against Domestic Faction and Insurrection (continued)
Daily Advertiser, Thursday, November 22, 1787
To the People of the State of New York:
Among the numerous advantages promised by a well constructed Union, none deserves to be more accurately developed than its tendency to break and control the violence of faction. The friend of popular governments never finds himself so much alarmed for their character and fate, as when he contemplates their propensity to this dangerous vice. He will not fail, therefore, to set a due value on any plan which, without violating the principles to which he is attached, provides a proper cure for it. The instability, injustice, and confusion introduced into the public councils, have, in truth, been the mortal diseases under which popular governments have everywhere perished; as they continue to be the favorite and fruitful topics from which the adversaries to liberty derive their most specious declamations. The valuable improvements made by the American constitutions on the popular models, both ancient and modern, cannot certainly be too much admired; but it would be an unwarrantable partiality, to contend that they have as effectually obviated the danger on this side, as was wished and expected. Complaints are everywhere heard from our most considerate and virtuous citizens, equally the friends of public and private faith, and of public and personal liberty, that our governments are too unstable, that the public good is disregarded in the conflicts of rival parties, and that measures are too often decided, not according to the rules of justice and the rights of the minor party, but by the superior force of an interested and overbearing majority. However anxiously we may wish that these complaints had no foundation, the evidence, of known facts will not permit us to deny that they are in some degree true. It will be found, indeed, on a candid review of …
Hey. Hey! Are you reading this aloud? Come on. This is really serious man. Go outside and yell this to the first dude you find.
The second expedient is as impracticable as the first would be unwise. As long as the reason of man continues fallible, and he is at liberty to exercise it, different opinions will be formed. As long as the connection subsists between his reason and his self-love, his opinions and his passions will have a reciprocal influence on each other; and the former will be objects to which the latter will attach themselves. The diversity in the faculties of men, from which the rights of property originate, is not less an insuperable obstacle to a uniformity of interests. The protection of these faculties is the first object of government. From the protection …
Wow this is long. How much more do we have? Wait, there is more than one essay here. How many of them – okay there are 85 of these things. Alright, forget this. Let’s come up with something different. How about we just sing aloud the theme song to that show with Patrick Duffy? Step-by-Step! Cool. Alright, let’s go!
It’s a rare condition, this day and age,
to read any good news on the newspaper page.
Love and tradition of the grand design,
some people say it’s even harder to find.
Well then there must be some magic clue inside these tearful walls
cause all I see is a tower of dreams
real love burstin’ out of every seam.
As days go by,
we’re gonna fill our house with happiness.
The moon may cry,
we’re gonna smother the blues with tenderness.
When days go by,
there’s room for you,
room for me,
for gentle hearts an opportunity.
As days go by,
it’s the bigger love of the family.
Oh my God you are so pretty. What are doing after the Constitution reading? You wanna read a little more by James Madison, if you know what I mean?