Pick up your local newspaper. Run down to the local 7-Eleven and steal one if you must. Once you are done reading the comics, flip over to the Opinions section. There you will find editorials from columnists like Thomas Friedman, George Will, and other people you have never heard of. These people are experts at giving you their opinions, even if those opinions are completely trivial or wrong. Then there are letters to the editor from the ordinary readers. The Letters to the Editor section is probably best used for community announcements. However, too many people are convinced they can write their own editorials. These people are terrible at giving their opinions. Reading one of these letters is like watching someone kick a bag full of puppies. It leaves you heartbroken and your respect for humanity dies a little more each time, even when those puppies wanted to put mind controlling fluoride in the water.
If you steal enough papers out of the paper box and read the Letters to the Editor, you will start noticing a few patterns:
- It is really easy to break into newspaper boxes.
- Four people write half the letters in your local paper.
Desperate for attention, these people use the local newspaper as a medium to drum their opinions and to bicker amongst each other. If they were on the Internet, they would get labeled as “trolls” and a moderator would ban them for a few days. Also, there would be far more porn and pictures of cats.
Now you want in on the action. You have opinions of your own. You want to write a groundbreaking letter to your local newspaper that starts a grassroots revolution which completely changes the world for the better. Some of you suffer from dementia and just love shouting your 19th century opinions.
You are in luck. The Official Moon Base Party of the United States of America is here to help you become a more involved citizen, one rambling opinion letter to a newspaper at a time.
Below is a guide to help you write your very own letter to the editor. Select the word in parentheses you feel is most relevant to your cause:
I am very concerned about [gas prices, liberals, them damn cats]. We spend millions of tax dollars every year combating this problem, and we are losing. Our current policies are not up to the task of handling this crisis. That is why I fully support [offshore drilling, our school board officials, a local cat ordinance].
I think such ideas are just what we need to get back on the right track. I know I am not the only one in this [country, community] who is tired of [paying too much at the pump, politics as usual, cat tracks on my car]. The government [should, should not] step in to control [oil production, government spending, those little rascals] before we lose any more [oil reserves, money, flower gardens].
“Crazy ideas” like these do not sit well with [people like Al Gore, rationalists, cat lovers]. They are too concerned about [saving the environment, their hair, common sense] to get their facts straight. We are [going through a periodic temperature swing, tired of listening to the media’s spin, kept up at night by cats fighting in the alley]. If you do your homework, you will see my idea is clearly the only conceivable solution to this problem.
It is sad that our society has come to this. Hasn’t this [nation, community] suffered enough? Unlike Michelle Obama, I think it has. We need to take action now. If we do not combat this problem quickly, we may become a nation much like [China, France, Canada, Papua New Guinea]. Everyone should contact our local representative and demand [change, tiny leashes] before it’s too late.
[God bless America, Go to hell]!
[NAME OF YOUR UNIMPORTANT TOWN OR DISTRICT]