November 4, 2008 marks the first round of voting in the United States General Election. I say the first round because certain states tend to screw things up and may require recounting, revoting, or the actions of the Supreme Court. I’m looking at you, Florida. Florida has recently developed a bad habit of bungling elections. In the 2000 election, the narrow margin between George W. Bush and Al Gore, the difficult-to-read butterfly ballots, and the faulty journalism of the major news networks resulted in a month long dispute. The Supreme Court eventually stepped in and the election went to Bush. In the aftermath, Florida switched to an electronic voting system.
Then the 2004 presidential election rolled around. Allegations of faulty or rigged voting machines surfaced as there was again a tight margin between rivals George W. Bush and John Kerry. John Kerry conceded the victory to Bush in order to avoid another election scandal. Some people think his concession was linked to his involvement in the secret society Skull and Bones. These people are thankfully greeted with tasers. Regardless, there was still some doubt about the Florida voting system.
Fast forward to today. With two botched elections under its belt, has Florida learned from its mistakes? Heck no. Legislators in Florida and Michigan pushed their Democratic primaries to January in violation of party rules. The Democratic National Committee stripped the two states of their delegates. Regardless, the two states held their primaries anyway. Now that Hitler, I mean Hillary, Clinton has won those states, she wants their delegates. Members of the Democratic Party are attempting to negotiate a deal with these states. For the record, any deal would be borderline retarded. Voters in both states were warned their votes would not count so many did not bother showing up. On top of that, Obama was not even on the ballot in Michigan.
With a clear record of screwing up ballots, Florida is still going to be allowed to vote in the general election in 2008. Unless we extend the “fence” between Mexico and the United States to include the northern edge of Florida, we have to count their votes. In order to make this election year a bit easier, I, Bryan Fantana, have prepared a new voting procedure for the state of Florida. To the people in the Sunshine State, stop riding the Tower of Terror, launching stuff into space, and being old. You need to pay close attention for the next few minutes.
Figure out your name and find some form of identification. A valid driver’s license will satisfy both of these. This step will come in handy later.
Step 2. Get to your polling location.
Find your nearest polling station. This information is often sent out by mail, but you can also check with libraries, the local newspaper, the county clerk’s office, or your neighbors. If all else fails, remember that you are on teh Internets. Google that shit.
Step 3. Go inside the building.
Once you find your polling location, go inside it. You can do this by finding an unlocked or open door and then walking through the doorway.
Once inside you will spot a row of people in front of a table. This is often called a “line”. Stand behind the last person in line. If that person moves forward, move forward as well. If this proves to be too difficult, stand there looking confused. A volunteer will be with you in a moment.
Step 5. Talk with the nice lady at the table.
The people behind the table will have to make sure you are really you and not a terrorist. We cannot have terrorists voting. The person at the table will ask for your name and your identification. This is where Step 1 comes in. Present the lady your driver’s license or other valid form of identification. Be sure to smile. These people have had a rough day putting up with idiots like you.
The lady at the table will direct you towards the new and improved voting stations. At each station there will be a box of crayons. Pick whichever color you like the most. It doesn’t matter which one you pick. Next, color the circle beside a candidate. Pick whichever candidate you like the most. It doesn’t matter which one you pick. We plan on dumping all these ballots into the Gulf of Mexico anyway.
Step 7. Return the ballot to the nice lady at the table.
Hand the lady at the table your ballot. Be sure to leave the crayon at the voting station. You will not be allowed to take the crayon with you.
Step 8. Leave the building.
Exit the building. Look for a red sign above the door reading “EXIT”. This will be your way out of the building. If you have any difficulties with this, let one of the volunteers know so she can ban you from ever voting again.
Step 9. Give yourself a pat on the back.
Congratulations. You just voted. How does it feel to be part of the democratic process? This is a rhetorical question. You do not have to answer it.
I hope this new procedure will make voting in Florida a bit easier. I have a feeling it still won’t work.
Maybe Home Depot will have a sale on chain link fencing by November.